Imperial Asspirations

Rivers Cuomo, maladroit frontguy of recently crappy emo ambassadors Weezer, just posted this creepy, Harvard application essay on his website. Citing the influence of Nietzsche, Machiavelli, Napoleon, and—madman!—David Geffen, Cuomo recounts his "ruthless" climb back up the charts in the aftermath of his headlong fall from bubble-grunge grace in 1997, the year Weezer’s tempestuous, now classic Pinkerton was released. "My goal," the once grizzly-bearded hermit writes, apparently in all seriousness, "was to purge myself of all weakness so that I could write 'perfect' songs as reliably as a machine." Yeah—a sucky machine!