By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
CAPRICORN(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The astrologer Forest Fickling did a statistical study of 50,000 people, analyzing the data to determine which signs were the best and worst in various categories. He found that Capricorns work the hardest, accomplish the most in the shortest time, and daydream the least. But I hope you'll rebel against these natural inclinations in the coming weeks. Between now and September 16, I think you'll achieve the greatest success possible if you daydream a lot more and don't work as hard as usual.
AQUARIUS(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Soon I'll begin my annual pilgrimage to the world's wackiest utopia, the Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert. Of the many ways it refreshes my spirit, the most important is its absence of money, advertisements, and commerce. The temporary community of 30,000 people is run as a gift economy. Nothing is for sale. No one can buy anything. When goods and services are exchanged, it's because they're given freely. I wish that you, Aquarius, could experience the unprecedented relaxation that settles in when you're utterly free of being hustled. I wish you could live for a time without worrying about finances. I especially wish you could do this now, when you have a prime astrological opportunity to reinvent your relationship with money. If you can't make it to Burning Man, what else might help you in this noble task?
PISCES(Feb. 19-March 20): It's your Unbirthday season, Piscesthat upside-down, backwards, yet oddly full-of-grace time halfway between your last birthday and your next. I can't buy each of you an Unbirthday present, but if I could, it would be a gift certificate to the Pirate Supply Store in San Francisco. There you could buy Jolly Roger flags, eye patches, plundered treasure chests, lessons in how to whistle while eating saltines, tubs of lard (good for hair-styling and skin moisturizing as well as cooking), and a broadside featuring the text "The Journey of the Fishes Overland." Believe it or not, all these would be quite practical. They'd inspire you to cultivate a devil-may-care mood, which would be perfect during your Unbirthday season. (A Web version of the store is at 826valencia.org/store, and no, I don't get a kickback.)
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
HOMEWORKIf you'll be at Burning Man next week, come wash your own brain with me at 4 p.m. on Friday, September 3, at Planet Wow, located at 3:30 and Esplanade.