By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
New York City is being invaded by hordes of violent radicals with no real agenda other than socking it to the government and smashing the statethe "welfare state," that is, by which they mean social security, the education and health systems, and everything else the government funds except war. They are extremely dangerous, and have been known to send many thousands to die in support of their Revelations-inspired concept of "strategy" and to strip (nearly) everyone else of rights, money, and pride.
Indeed, these thugswho, like other less dangerous gangs, wear easily identifiable colors (khaki, navy blue)are violent. But we mustn't stoop to their levelfighting mano a mano would be like throwing blood at a vampire.
Chances are you already have your own plan for dealing with the RNC bloodsuckers. If not, rncnotwelcome.org, rncguide.com, unitedforpeace.org, and imagine04.org are among the sites that can hook you up with the hundreds of protest and infiltration activities planned from August 29 (the main protest day) through September 2. Whatever you do, you might want to to sign up with txtmob.com to get instant updates on your cell phone regarding scheduled and spontaneous actions, police movements, etc.
If infiltration is your style, to get into Madison Square Garden itself you have to have a press pass or be one of the thousands of RNC volunteersof whom, rumor has it, at least a few hundred only look like Republicans. There are dozens of other venues and parties that will be much easier to sneak into (again, see rncguide.com). What to do once inside? Hint: billionairesforbush.com. And if you want to infiltrate and nothing else works (note: shameless plug coming up) you can become an official RNC tour guide (theyesmen.org/makeover/).
There are also a number of actions we haven't found widely listed but that could be great fun to join (or even initiate). For example:"God's little helpers" is how the Bible Bloc describe themselves. To protest the Bush administration's close ties to every kind of blasphemerfor example, Bush's failed 2000 campaign was substantially assisted by the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, the self-proclaimed Messiahthese divine messengers will release Plagues of Locusts (actually, edible grasshoppers) in 14 RNC venues. The Bible Bloc claim to have already seeded Madison Square Garden and two hotels with grasshopper eggs that will start hatching en masse during RNC week. While You Still Can, a group engaging exclusively in leisure activities that are likely to become impossible in the near future, is organizing a "Critical Mess" swim in the Hudson, now up to 100 times cleaner than it used to be thanks to the Clean Water Actwhich a second Bush White House could well succeed in dismantling. Because the main protest has been relocated to the West Side Highway from recently privatized Central Park, WYSC expects over one-thousand swimmers. Veterans for Sane Warfare, a group of Gulf War veterans shunned by lefties for their unabashed enthusiasm for all things war, has done something right: they've turned a small fleet of ordinary-looking Humvees into stealth Chemical Weapons Detection Units (CWDUs). These will circulate throughout New York City and, upon detecting tear gas or pepper-spray molecules, emit window-shattering shrieks for five minutes. Since tear gas and pepper spray constitute chemical weapons, CWDUs are protected by U.N. statutes as WMD inspection tools; a police crackdown could turn into an international incident. The Radical Cheerleading Caucus will visit delegates' hotels wearing red, white, and blue cheerleading outfits embroidered with GOP elephants, split by one velcro seam. At the climax of a patriotic cheer, they will rip off their outfits and tumble into an Abu Ghraibstyle naked human pyramid. Look for themyou certainly don't want to miss the peculiar mixture of horror and prurience on the delegates' faces. The prison theme will continue with a group calling themselves the Guantanamojos, who have kidnapped a Macys Parade float and outfitted it in a giant orange jumpsuit and hood. Keep an eye on Fifth Avenue for their "Pre-Emptive Thanksgiving Day Parade." Finally, to keep accurate tabs on it all, the Weather Hobbyists Assocation will keep aloft a fleet of 30 weather balloons with the latest in scientific crowd measurement technologies; anyone believing in a round Earth will have to accept their figures. Since the police routinely underestimate crowd sizes by 50 percent, and the media have even been known to "disappear" some protests, the WHA's fleet comes none too soon.