Republican Porn!

In honor of the Republican National Convention—where a bunch of penises deliver masturbatory talking points, the sorority-slut Bush twins give airhead, and cops jerk protesters around—I'm devoting this column to the vids I've "roughed up my suspect" to in the past week. I could get fancy by, say, reviewing "conservative" softcore, or s/m vids that remind me of our sadistic leadership and masochistic nonvoters, or movies that seem especially exploitative of women, or for that matter, flicks in which the men wear condoms, indirectly reminding us of the attack on abortion rights. But the cleverness it took to come up with those categories fatigues me already. And anyway, if I really wanted to do this right, wouldn't I be reviewing Republican hipster penis Vincent Gallo's new vehicle, The Brown Bunny, where the writer-director-star gets (spoiler alert! Oh wait, you can see posters of this all over the city) blown by Chloe Sevigny at movie's end? Shit. I would.

Oh well. I'll at least take Gallo's cue and ask you to indulge me. (Ahhhh . . . Oh yeah, that feels good . . . No, no, keep indulging me, please!) Unlike Gallo, I got a real job recently, so the way it usually goes is, I curl up with a porno after watching my programs in the evening. And after lying in the fetal position for awhile, I jerk off. Last week I popped in 18 and Easy (Excessive, a new division of VCA) after my usual two-part sorting process, which is 1) check the cover for a hot goth, Asian, or plumper; and 2) examine the back for drool factor (the ladies more than my own). The "premiere collector's edition" of 18 and Easy shows girls with rollers and brushes, painting surfaces like each other's asses with hot-pink paint—cute. Jayna Oso, a fine-featured 23-year-old Hawaiian who appears on the cover with a frowning open mouth and licking a banana, stopped me at step one. Spit ribbons or none, I was ready to give her a few minutes of my precious lying-on-the-couch, drinking-myself-into-oblivion time. And she did not disappoint, providing some excellent from-below, dodge-the-drool shots and spreading her slim legs like a gymnast who performs naked on a desk while getting fucked.

Jade, essentially a low-rent Jayna Oso, stars in Perverted Stories 22 (JM). Low-rent is a big turn on for me, of course, and the scene "Don't Look in the Closet" opens with three men pawing indiscriminately at her miniskirt and mini tits, so I found myself fully satisfied, switching back to my cartoons before her clothes were even fully stripped off. I've also recently gotten off to Cyberanal (VCA Classics), which shows a mid- or early-'90s Rocco Siffredi perfecting his technique and some skinny lady with those terrific kind of small, perky, pointy breasts that look so nice under T-shirts, braless, in summertime New York.

Speaking of summer, I've gotten more mileage out of the hot and sweaty Cum Swallowing Whores (JM—"23 loads! 7 girls!") than almost any vid this season. Rock 'n' roll chick Katrina Kraven, a fairly new and most definitely fresh starlet, has been making a name for herself in the competitive extreme-blowjob field; here she wears a fetching white fishnet bodysuit and, presumably for laffs, scoops cum with tortilla chips. (Gia Paloma, who this year is making an uninspired run for AVN's Best Actress award, eats a special birthday cake.) My new girlfriend, however, is the so pretty, red-headed German Katja Kassin, who will burst your fly from any angle, but especially ones catching her big round ass. Speaking of cum-swallowing whores, goodbye to the delegates, who will obviously swallow just about anything.


Excessive, 9650 De Soto Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311 JM, 9140 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311, jerkoffzone.com VCA, 9650 Owensmouth Avenue, Chatsworth, CA 91311, vcapictures.com
 
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