By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
ARIES(March 21-April 19): Two wrongs may make a right this week. A mistake could lead to a lucky break, and some questionable decisions could result in you looking like a genius. The karma in your vicinity is extremely odd, Aries. It's as if you can't get the opportunities you need unless something goes awry. It's like the only way you can meet your date with destiny is if you're under an illusion about what your date with destiny is.
TAURUS(April 20-May 20): I'm tempted to address you as "Your Majesty" or "Your Grace." There's something regal about your mood. What's going on? Are you finally realizing how much power you have to create the life you really want? Are you ready to shake the misguided belief that others are in control of your destiny? I won't be upset, Taurus, if you issue the equivalent of royal decrees in the coming week. And I'll be pleased if you act on Robert Anton Wilson's assertion that "Reality is what you can get away with."
GEMINI(May 21-June 20): If you believe your body is inherently sinful or if you're offended by references to your private parts, stop reading now. Still here? Good. The fact is, dear Gemini, that this is a perfect time to celebrate, explore, and reinvent your relationship with your genitals. It's your sacred duty to strip away every negative association about them that you may have acquired in the past. Do whatever it takes to arrive at the understanding that your sexual organs are among the most sublime gifts the Divine Creator has given you. Have fun with them, worship them, teach them greater discipline, and in general lift them to the exalted state they deserve.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess - worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Free Will Astrology: May 2-May 8, 2012
CANCER(June 21-July 22): This week you may frequently experience a psychological state called "schizofriendia." As defined by one of my readers, Lewis, schizofriendia is a condition in which people hear voices in their heads that are unfailingly supportive, encouraging, and keen to offer constructive advice about how to make the most of everything that happens. It's true, my fellow Cancerian, that in the past the little voices in our heads have only occasionally been reliable sources of information. But they will more than compensate for that during the Golden Age of Self-Healing that's just ahead.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In many cultures, the dove has served as a symbol of divinity, purity, and peace. To Muslims and Christians, for instance, it represents the Holy Spirit. In contrast, the pigeon is often regarded as a nuisance whose prolific droppings are an eyesore and health hazard. And yet the terms "dove" and "pigeon" are used interchangeably for many species of birds; they're essentially the same. I mention this, Leo, because I think you'll have a dove-pigeon thing happening for you this week. A certain situation will have both a lyrical, harmonious side and a banal, bedraggled aspect. They go together; you can't have the dove without the pigeon.
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): As the relentless nihilism of the mass media threatens to quash our ability to even perceive, let alone exult in, life's glorious beauty, we need new words to remind us to see with our own eyes. I have one: mirabilia, which is actually an old term that hasn't been used much in the last 400 years. Its literal definition is "marvels that inspire wonder," but I'd like to add the following nuances: beguiling curiosities, enigmatic joys, changes that inspire amused awe, and sudden deliverance from boring evils. I'm happy to report that you Virgos, more than any other sign, are currently poised to see, create, and attract mirabilia.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I have never before called on the help of actress Mae West to illuminate your horoscope. Her cracked wisdom is so relentlessly arch and ironic that it's rarely useful as advice. Given the extraordinary nature of your current astrological omens, however, I'm now going to be utterly sincere as I recommend that you pattern yourself after her. Mae once said, "When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better." For a limited time only, Libra, you have the right to speak these words as if they were your deepest truth.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You're at the climax of your yearly cycle, Scorpio. That means you have the power to harvest the best possible outcomes of all the themes you've been developing since your last birthday. Here are two pieces of advice to help you make the most of this magic moment. (1) Use the system but don't let it use you. Refuse to believe that any bureaucracy or organization is stronger than you. (2) Frequently ask yourself the following question: "What is the most fun, productive, and liberating action I can take right now?"
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In his live show, Monster, Irish comedian Dylan Moran tells audience members not to fulfill their potential. "It's like your bank balance," he says. "You always have a lot less than you think. Don't look at it. It's like a locked door within yourself. Leave it that way." A review in The New Yorker reported this rant admiringly, as if it were unique and witty. In my view, though, it's actually hackneyed and idiotic. Most of us have received some version of that cynical advice over and over again. I do think it's important to recognize how prevalent Moran's philosophy is, because then you have more power to reject it. So that's part one of your assignment, Sagittarius: Recall all the times you've been told, either blatantly or covertly, that you have less potential than you imagine. Part two: Open the locked door within you and gaze at your potential, knowing there's a lot more of it than you think.