By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
But all ideological differences dissolved when the Blank Rome legal firm threw an RNC bash at the Chrysler Building, complete with a sumptuous buffet of the kind only non-Monopoly money can buy. "What's Iraq?" I said, gleefully stuffing my puss with lobster tails. There was even a kosher table, where I spotted commentator MARTIN LEWIS chowing down without partisanship. "I thought Republicans hate Jews!" I remarked, agog at the culinary consideration. "Judging from the flat taste of this hot dog," Lewis replied, "they do."
That crowd sported black suits for men and immobile hair and shoulder pads for women, but the next night at Cipriani, everyone was in cowboy hats for a JOHN MCCAIN comedy tribute and some bottomless shrimp casseroles. McCain didn't do a pommel horse demonstration, but he did gamely massacre "New York, New York" with JOE PISCOPO and he even sat onstage while Piscopo serenaded him with his satirical version of "My Way" ("And now, we're in New York to ratify the nomination . . . ").
My own stunt had been emptying my pockets before going through the bash's metal detector, only to have security find a sardonic "Chicken Hawks for Bush" button I'd just gotten at Air America. I'm still living it down, eck-cetera, eck-cetera.
What director was supposedly obsessed with and dating the underage star of his big movie? What divorced couple makes sure to schedule their festival appearances so they don't run into each other? (It's not that they're out of lovethey were never in loveit's just that one of 'em's mega-pissed about the way the money situation played out.) Who, say rumormongers, actually got jobs for several males he put on the payroll, including at least one underager, whoto make things even less savorywas supposedly involved in some murder scheme? And whose wife is allegedly not that upset about the recent turn of events because she's been doing it for years with a state trooper anyway?
What televangelist who's always preaching about the sin of vanity looks like he just got a face-lift and hair transplants? What reality-show creator was so disliked by some cast members that they cruelly danced a proverbial jig when she died? What young soap star turned movie actor lured a hot straight guy into his bedroom to watch a video of the ex-soaper doing it with a girl and, mostly, a guy? (The straight guy didn't bite, as it were.) What jiggly talk show personality is a big drunk?
The aforementioned convention was such a horror, it sent Clinton reeling into the hospital, clutching his chest! Its message was that Bush is the king of keeping us safe and secure, but they couldn't even keep hecklers and screamers out of the freakin' arena! Now, that the whole mess is over, the Repubs who traipsed around our town with bad style and who didn't buy a thing except for some time with sex workers have vacated, and so have have the swarms of protestors, who also purchased zilch, but in their case because they're flat broke. And now, as we crawl through the wreckage, we have to listen to Mayor Bloomberg gurgling about what a financial boon the convention was to the city! Chalk it up alongside all the other lies, like "We didn't start the war in Iraq," "We've liberated 50 million people," and "Nixon was the greatest!"