By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
For every movie I watch out of the dozens streaming into my mailbox each week, there's at least half or three-quarters of every movie I pass on after simply looking at the box for 10 or 15 minutes, occasionally while in the bathroom. Usually these movies are so offensive and disgusting that I don't even mail them to my little brother. What follows, in short, is a sampling of pornos judged by covers.
The Girls Club (VCA): To paraphrase somebody, I don't want to belong to a girls' club that would have men as members. OK, that's a paraparadox, so allow me to reparaphrase: I don't want to watch a porno called The Girls Club that features a woman who looks like a man in drag on the cover.
The Girls Club
Not the Lovin' Kind
And Sittin' Pretty
Toss My Salad 6: The Exodus
Toss My Salad 6: The Exodus (Pure Filth): Sex, assholes, and the word "exodus" don't belong together in the first place (I get shivers just thinking about Moses parting the red crack, I mean sea, never mind those Egyptians who crapped out and drowned going after the Jews), but semantics is the least of our worries here. The cover shows a butt-naked dude in sagging white socks getting his third eye (I call it Winky!) tongued by a redhead whose eye makeup is running like a single brown tear down her left cheek. At least this one doesn't incorporate salad ha-ha dressing like others in the series.
Jim Power's High School Girls (JM): It's a little weird to suggest that a porn star is sacrificing her dignity to maintain her career, and I suppose it's especially weird to say that about Ashley Blue, who swept aside her dignity at the start in order to transcend the porn world's quotidian humiliations (which are really only a dramatization of the regular working world's quotidian humiliations, but that's a topic for another blurb), but peanut butter? Disgusting!
Not the Lovin' Kind (VCA): This, supposedly, is a departure for auteur Jim Holliday (Sloppy Seconds, South of the Border): "Gone are all the in-jokes and kinky caricatures of nurses and cheerleaders, only to be replaced by . . . a modern woman searching for love in all the wrong places." Let me gag until my eyes water for a change! Jesus. Next thing you know, Shayla will be playing an old-fashioned woman looking for love from her husband once a week, or some kind of future woman who, after hundreds of years of human evolution, no longer requires sexual intercourse for reproduction or pleasure, in fact does not even possess breasts or blond hair or round ass cheeks or even a punani. I sigh audibly.
The Violation of Kiki Daire: "A Lesbian Gang Bang" (JM): Sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? (Zing!)
Gutter Mouths 23 (JM): Here's a novel concept I already reviewed: Not only put whatever one wants in women's punanis, but in their mouths, too. Words, I mean. As in the talk bubbles pointing vaguely at Jody Moore on the cover: "Oh my god, I'm such a stupid, stupid whore"; "Guys love me because I'm such a cum-eating degenerate slut" (could also be her excellent vocabulary); "I love being degraded for your viewing pleasure!" Oh, Jodyyou're so direct!
And I haven't even flipped the box over yet! There's a profile of each woman, typified by this paragraph about Shay Sights: "What can be said about Shay Sights that hasn't already been written on a bathroom wall? This is one filthy fucking whore. She has seen more black cock than a urinal at a state prison. [Oh, wonderful. Might as well make a joke that would be racist even if it weren't slurring miscegenation.] The only thing looser than her anus is her sense of morals. Like her bowel movements, her depravity is unstoppable." Putting veiny words in her mouth is one thing; stripping off her outside identity and life narrative, and splattering her with your own is quite another. OK . . . awkward silence.
Perverted Stories 23 (JM): If you've got kids, as some of you weirdos probably do . . . geez . . . I never thought of that before . . . It makes me feel kinda creepy for writing this stuff . . . ahem . . . Anyway, if you got babies and you're worried about them finding your "stash," by which I mean marijuana, and then watching some of the pornos you left laying around while they're stoned, then you definitely wanna hide Perverted Stories 23 wherever you keep your loaded gun (closet floor). I'm not so concerned about the vignettes that show a woman getting shoved in a refrigerator for not doing the housework (OK, I am), men in gorilla suits fucking some chick, and "Gabba the Fat" capturing "the princess." No. I'm worried about your precious offspring witnessing "When Good Clowns Go Bad."
Sittin' Pretty (VCA): Like The Girls Club, Sittin' Pretty puts a manimal with fake boobies and a hip-wide waist"Aria"on the cover, and we're expected to drool. But so is she, at least. I object more to the tag line in light of the square-jawed person staring out over it: "Relax, spread your cheeks, and take a seat!" But Santa, your lap is sharp!