By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
ARIES(March 21-April 19): I have a good imagination, but it's difficult for me to wrap my mind around the possibility that anyone besides a white, Christian-fundamentalist millionaire is planning to vote for George W. Bush in the upcoming election. The man is not only a menace to the environment, women's rights, health care, the economy, science, and the English language, but is also fighting terrorism in all the wrong ways. Still, I refuse to detest him. On the contrary, I send him my blessings. Likewise, though I'm pained by readers who enjoy my horoscopes yet support Bush, I love them just the same. It's very important for you to apply my approach in the coming weeks, Aries. Do not, under any circumstances, revile the people you disagree with. Keep in mind Booker T. Washington's view: "I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him."
TAURUS(April 20-May 20): "When one door closes, another door opens." That old saying is only a half-truth, and what it leaves out is crucial. Here's a more complete version: When one door closes, another door opens, but where the new door opens might not be immediately obvious; you may have to be energetic, persistent, and even ingenious to find it. Keep this uppermost in your mind during the next three weeks, Taurus.
GEMINI(May 21-June 20): As the most powerful nation prepares to choose the world's most powerful leader, we all have a stake in the proceedings. Whether or not you're an American, the candidate who wins the presidential election will deeply affect your personal future. In my estimation, John Kerry is far more likely to have a benevolent impact, George W. Bush a negative one. I've arrived at this conclusion by carefully paring away my emotional biases and taking an objective look at long-term planetary omens. In my capacity as your astrological adviser, then, I urge you to visualize Kerry being inaugurated as president next January. Now here's your homework: Meditate on Pericles' assertion that "Just because you don't take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you."
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess-worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
CANCER(June 21-July 22): Astrology divides human personalities into 12 basic types named after the zodiacal signs. In her books, Agapi Stassinopoulos proposes an alternative system based on 15 Greek gods and goddesses. Using her approach, I've determined that you are currently a blend of Aphrodite and Artemis. Aphrodite embodies love, beauty, and passion, and her essence is summed up by the statement "It is what I am, not what I do, that is valuable about me." Artemis, on the other hand, is independent and strong; her message is, "Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid." How is it possible to be a synthesis of these two? You tell me, Cancerian. It'll be your specialty in the coming weeks.
LEO(July 23-Aug. 22): Here's good news for Leo actor Billy Bob Thornton: The coming weeks will be a perfect time to conquer his phobias of antique furniture, Komodo dragons, intestinal parasites, old silver forks, and photos of Benjamin Disraeli's hair. For that matter, all you Leos will experience a dramatic increase in your power to conquer irrational anxieties and superstitious fantasies. Stand up to your inner bully! Don't let that intimidating fearmonger push you around any more.
VIRGO(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "The greatest menace to civilization," wrote historian Herbert Butterfield, "is the conflict between giant organized systems of self-righteousnesseach system only too delighted to find that the other is wickedeach only too glad that the sins give it the pretext for still deeper hatred and animosity." Are you a part of one of those giant organized systems of self-righteousness, Virgo? Do you subscribe even a little to their simplistic, toxic philosophies? If so, I beg you to banish their influence from your life. Dropping out of the great "us versus them" racket is one of the single most important acts you can take to heal your own psyche and guarantee your future success.
LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): What seemingly unconnected elements of your life are actually ripe to be combined? Your past and your future? Romance and education? Your drive for fairness and your love of beauty? I'm telling you, Libra, there are fragments of your world that have more in common than you've previously imagined, and should therefore be woven together. Your sensuality and spirituality? Your relationship with money and the power of your imagination? Your listening skills and your longing to be more appreciated?
SCORPIO(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): "I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas," said composer John Cage. "I'm frightened of the old ones." That thought should be your guiding principle in the coming weeks, Scorpio. No matter how useful your elegant theories have always been, they're now becoming barriers to your progress. No matter how attached you are to the insights and opinions that have made you what you are today, you should be willing to outgrow them. "In a time of drastic change," wrote Eric Hoffer, "it's the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists."