By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Yellow jackets have never been known to journey north of the Arctic Circle. They prefer warmer climates. But recently they began buzzing around a village in the northern part of Baffin Island, surprising the local residents, who have no word for the insects in their native Inuktitut language. I predict there'll soon be a comparable event in your life, Sagittarius. You will need new terms as well as fresh concepts to understand the appearance of an unprecedented phenomenon.
CAPRICORN(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The coming week will be filled with opportunities to improve your skills at diplomacy. You'll get a lot of practice playing verbal games, talking in code, and being artfully ambiguous. For best results, don't take yourself too seriously. Let your imagination run half wildand maybe even risk crossing that fine line between creative storytelling and BS. To put yourself in the right mood, consult the Euphemism Generator at walking-dead.net/perl/euphemism/.
AQUARIUS(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): One of the tabloids revealed that Ronald Reagan's ghost has been doing scores of good deeds since he died. For example, when a surgeon in a hospital accidentally dropped his ring in his patient's abdominal incision, the ex-president's spirit fished it out. On another occasion, the friendly ghost saved an old woman from a rabid raccoon during her walk in the woods. What the tabloid didn't report is that Reagan also visited me. As I was working on your horoscope, he materialized as a misty gray blob. "Need any assistance?" he croaked. "Sure," I said. "But I've got to be honestI always opposed your politics and I never voted for you." "Want to know a secret?" he chuckled in reply. "In the afterlife, I've turned into a bleeding-heart liberal. All I do is help people." "OK," I said, "then how about giving me some tips for the horoscope I'm writing for Aquarians?" "Sure," Reagan beamed. "Tell 'em to go hunting for a new power spot. Build up their clout. Act more authoritative. Spread their influence with more confidence. But do it all with love, not ego."
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess-worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at email@example.com.
PISCES(Feb. 19-March 20): For the long-term well-being of planet Earth, nothing is more important than electing a new American president. I'd prefer to vote for the Green Party candidate, David Cobb, because his principles are more aligned with mine than are John Kerry's. And when I go to cast my ballot near closing time on November 2, I will opt for Cobb if exit polls show Kerry is comfortably ahead of Bush in my home state of California. But if the race is still too close to call, I'll definitely choose Kerry. I suggest you regard my plan as a model for how to approach your entire life in the coming weeks, Pisces: Find a way to serve the greatest good for everyone in your life while at the same time following your heart. But if you can't do both, serve the greatest good.