By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
But back to the porning, I love how the MURDOCH-owned Post has been trying to smear the woman suing Bill O'Reilly (from the Murdoch-owned Fox News Channel) every day for the last two weeks, stopping short only at "She picked her nose in public 12 years ago." They should relax. There's no way O'Reilly did and said all those fructifying things. After all, he rails against pornography and open sexuality all the time on his show. Case closed!
Speaking of open sexuality, LAURA BUSH recently joined the Republican chorus of "not nice" in response to KERRY's reference to lesbian MARY CHENEY in the last debate. "I don't think it's appropriate for anyone to bring up anyone's child during any campaign," she chirped, adding that she's pretty sure her daughters feel the same way. (Pleasethose fag hags?) I guess she didn't tell all that to DICK CHENEY, who made that "Lynne and I have a gay daughter" speech in August. And I guess Cheney, who's also angry, forgets that he responded to Edwards's similar remarks by saying thanks "for the kind words." And I guess the definition of "nice" is keeping Mary hidden from the convention stage while the prez continues trying to amend the Constitution. But don't get me started.
JUST ASKING, Y'ALL
What aging pretty-boy singer has a longtime partner, but was interestingly seen cavorting around a D.C. bathhouse? (Open relationship or just open legs?) What '80s rocker who always kept 'em guessing (like "How dykey can she get?") did it with a bicoastal female publicist? What model who boasts about how writing comes so very effortlessly to her actually had a ghostwriter? What ex-child star says she's clean but was not long ago seen communing with a tall glass of wine?
What dead gay British actor had a very specific fetish for corduroy? (He called it "the munch.") What longtime unmarried Hollywood couple gleefully supplies stories and photos about themselves to the tabs, feeling there's no such thing as bad PR? What anti-gay rapper has supposedly long done the munch, I mean the deed, with his mentor, which might explain a lot? What hip-hop guy showed up at a men's mag shoot in a suit pinker than a canceled Britney video, which gave the self-loathing stylist a conniption? (The mogul read the guy to filth and said it's the pink suit or nothing, so the queen had to deal with itthough the mag ran the photo in black-and-white.) What if God was one of us?
I just caught up with Team America: World Police, and though the puppety visuals were gorgeous and there were hilarious set pieces, I was amazed that the film terrorized the audience with so many stretches of unfunny boredom. I was also surprised that the wacko creators have such contempt for lefty actors, the same thesps who'd probably defend South Park against the conservative onslaught. As for the film's conceit of having those actors belong to the Film Actors Guild (i.e., FAG), I'd mind the reference less if one of those wackos came out already!
Speaking of Which: According to The New York Times, MARC CHERRY, the writer of the hit TV series Desperate Housewives, is a "bachelor." Author DAVID EHRENSTEIN was horrified to read that musty old signifier in a Cherry profile by BERNARD WEINRAUB, having interviewed Cherry as an openly gay man. Blogs Ehrenstein, "Why has the Times elected to regard him the way the Republican Party does MARY CHENEY?"
Moving on to Someone Who Should be Hidden: That ASHLEE SIMPSON technical fiasco on Saturday Night Live came as no surprise to anyone who was at the dress rehearsal earlier that evening. My sources say that at the rehearsal, right before her first song, Ashlee tried to say hi to the crowd, but no one heard her because her mic wasn't on. And they say JESSICA is the dumb one! By the way, gossiplist.com points out that BETH MCCARTHY, the director of that SNL show, also directed the Super Bowl halftime show with JANET JACKSON's wardrobe malfunction. I say let her direct the election coveragea lot of interesting stuff will surely be exposed!