By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22Dec. 21): According to my reading of the astrological omens, you have recently fulfilled the first part of the Dalai Lama's theory that "not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." It may take a few weeks for the second partthe "wonderful stroke of luck"to fully take effect. But I bet you'll get a glimpse of its early stages in the coming week. Don't spend even 10 seconds lost in regret about not getting what you want. Start uncorking your gratitude immediately.
CAPRICORN(Dec. 22Jan. 19): Guitar World magazine says that Poison guitarist C.C. DeVille played the worst guitar solo of all time. Forbes put the Chevy Vega on its list of the worst cars ever made. Poet Bob Holman selected William Topaz McGonagall as the worst poet in history. Salon decided that a humorous passage in my memoir, The Televisionary Oracle, deserved second place in its Bill O'Reilly Bad Sex Writing Contest. With these examples as your inspiration, Capricorn, I invite you to figure out what thing you're not so good atmaybe even so bad that you're the worst ever. Why? Because you're entering the Season of Humility, that's why. You should celebrate all the flaws and failures that prevent you from turning into an arrogant know-it-all. Besides, if you have fun mocking your own shortcomings, you might convince fate to kick your ass very gently during the imminent karmic adjustment.
AQUARIUS(Jan. 20Feb. 18): I don't know if you're interestedlots of seemingly more practical matters are soaking up your attention right nowbut it's my duty to inform you that you can make more progress toward spiritual enlightenment in the next three weeks than you've made in the previous 10 months. Alert, relaxed listening should be the radical act at the heart of your drive toward illumination. Ferocious curiosity should be your normal state of awareness. "Thou shalt be aggressively receptive" should be your main commandment.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess-worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PISCES(Feb. 19March 20): If you're average, you have more than 1,400 dreams a year. But there have been few weeks in 2004 when you've had as many vivid, memorable, and useful dreams as you're likely to enjoy in the coming days. Pay close attention, Pisces! No other sourcesnot psychics, psychotherapists, good books, or wise teacherscan provide you with as much useful information as your dreams will. They will be intimate, artful, playful communiqués from your soul, designed to give you answers to critical questions that you are just beginning to formulate.