Sexy Gift Guide 5.0

"Quit Playing With It and Just Eat It"—that's what the thong I'm wearing (sikworld.com, $8) says as I compose my fifth annual collection of gift ideas. I'm rather fond of gender subversion through fashion, so all the women in your life should get "I May Look Like a Seven but My Dick's a Ten" T-shirts (sikworld.com, $16). Men will love "I ♥ My Pussy" (or "I ♥ My Fuckhole") tank tops (transsexual-man.com, $9.95), and genderqueer folks might fancy T-shirts like "Yes, I Am in the Right Bathroom" (dyketees.com, $17.99) or "You've Never Had a Cock Like This" (cafepress.com/barkinspiderrc, $20). Once everyone has royally confused the relatives, give them a copy of From the Inside Out: Radical Gender Transformation, FTM and Beyond edited by Morty Diamond ($13.95), My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd ($16.95), or The Gender Frontier by Mariette Pathy Allen ($36). Better yet, all three.

Looking to add some zing to your sex life? Reading to your lover in bed is a great way to inspire and arouse. Try Susie Bright's anthology Best American Erotica 2004 ($14) or her selection of three erotic novellas, Susie Bright Presents Three the Hard Way ($14). If you love vampires, you'll adore Mortal Companion by Patrick Califia ($16.95). Rev things up with the Naughty New Year Kit (babeland.com, $54)—it contains the Get Nasty card pack, where you pick a card, then you do what it says with the help of the kit's contents: a vibrator, lube, a cock ring-clit vibe, condoms, and a butt plug.

For beginners to the world of better-sex-through-technology, start slow—that means waiting at least until Valentine's Day for the Hitachi Magic Wand (babeland.com, $52). Read through The Many Joys of Sex Toys by Anne Semans ($12.95), then try out a non-intimidating vibrator like the Natural Contours Jolie Vibe (adameve.com, $19.95) or Shane's World Mini-Stimulator (calexotics.com, $16). If you're a bold beginner, then indulge in Good Vibrations' Black Tie Affair (goodvibes.com, $99), a kit full of goodies including edible body candy in three flavors, a massage bar, and a vibrating sleeve.

Spanking's always in style; warm up your partner's ears with tales from Naughty Spanking Stories From A to Z edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel ($14.95), and prepare those cheeks for a rosy glow with one of those things I never knew I needed until I found it: The HoneyBun Spanking Kit (spankingcream.com, $19.95). Top that with a naughty-or-nice Whipper/Tickler and a sexy Red Fur Paddle (sportsheets.com, $12 and $25, respectively), then splurge on an Angled Kneeler Spanking Bench (erosboutique.com, $450).

And while we're on the butts, my favorite backdoor gifts this year are Seymore Butts' Anal Surprise Party ($39.95), Tantus Silicone Anal Beads (smittenkittenonline.com, $44), and the Butt Plug Peacock (sportsheets.com, $36.00), a silicone butt plug with attachable peacock feathers—something you wear out, definitely. You know we've come a long way toward a more ass-positive culture when there's a useful enema novelty gift, Tidy Butt Enema (tidybutt.com, $9.95), and an indispensable book on the subject, Intimate Invasions: The Erotic Ins and Outs of Enema Play by M.R. Strict ($13.95).

Strap-on fashionistas rejoice! In addition to inventions like the Thigh Harness (early2bed.com, $25), there have been some incredible innovations in harness design lately and you can reap the rewards. The Pretty Boi Floyd Harness converts from a one-hole to a two-hole for double the pleasure and goes great with the Sire Dildo (smittenkittenonline.com, $98 and $60). Available in leather or rubber, the Commando Harness (aslanleather.com, $45 to $50) has interchangeable cock rings and can be worn as a two-strap for easy access or G-string-style (which can double as a butt plug harness). I adore the blue sparkly Bionic Harness (babeland.com, $80), and now it can be paired with the new blue sparkled Leo Dildo (vixencreations.com, $47) for those of you who like to match.

I love gifts that you can give and do, so grab the Foot Fetish Holiday (goodvibes.com, $42), a special sampler full of everything you need to pamper someone's peds, including a tin of Tongue2Toe Tingler peppermint foot rub, which can be applied with your tongue!

I've got quite a few people on my list who like to host their own orgies. I'm turning these enterprising folks on to the Play Safe Thong (wackyjac. com, $14), a cute cotton low-rise thong with a secret pocket for a condom (which comes with it). Wouldn't they make great gifts to hand out at the door? One way to get the action started is to play a round of PervArtistry—a kinky combination of Pictionary and charades (babeland.com, $25). The Pervartist draws a card with a sex word or phrase (some say "Warning: Super Kinky"), then has to either draw it or act it out for the Pervs to guess.

For folks who like their prurient presents to be pretty, there's the shiny Platinum G Vibe (babeland.com, $40), the luxurious White Leather Padded Cuffs (aslanleather, $80—slave to keep them clean not included), and the E-Glass Ruby Slipper, a hand-blown, fracture-resistant glass dildo filled with red liquid (adameve.com, $39.95). Two new videos with pretty people, pretty cinematography, and pretty fucking hot sex are director Suze Randall's Undressed and Oversexed ($29.95) and the two-disc special edition of Dinner Party 3 ($39.95). My friend Carly of pornblography.com made a trip to the Big Apple right after her recent birthday, when a sweet guy gave her a gift card to get something pretty. She picked out the fabulous Nina Bra and Thong by Felina (designerintimates.com, $36 and $24), made of slightly peekaboo black lace with hot pink corset-like ribbon lacing. Follow her example with a gift for giver and receiver to enjoy.

For the size queens on your list, you're in luck: Two of the top silicone dildo manufacturers have released their biggest creations yet: Spinal Tap (vixencreations.com, $96) and Sherbert (grandopening.com, $59.95). If those don't fill the need, there's always Doc Johnson's Great American Challenge ($59.95), a dong the length of a roll of wrapping paper and with a girth bigger than my arm. Speaking of which, wrap your goodies in "Merry Fuckin' Christmas" wrapping paper (sikworld.com, $4). Hopefully, "Happy Fuckin' Hanukkah" paper is in the works.


Enter Tristan's Treasure Chest Contest for a chance to win many of the items mentioned and more! See villagevoice.com/tristan/contest.


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