By Pete Kotz
By Michael Musto
By Michael Musto
By Capt. James Van Thach told to Jonathan Wei
By Kera Bolonik
By Michael Musto
By Nick Pinto
By Steve Weinstein
ARIES(March 21April 19): You're like grass sprouting up through a crevice in a boulder, Aries; like a hawk that has built a nest on the roof of a swank penthouse. You even remind me of an indie-rock band that has somehow cracked the Billboardcharts without selling out. I don't know how you've managed it, but I congratulate you on your ability to be cagily opportunistic in difficult circumstances even as you remain true to yourself. Now comes the really hard part: staying humble, cultivating gratitude, renewing your commitment to unpretentious resourcefulness, and continuing to do all the other things that got you to where you are now.
The Televisionary Oracle
A Novel by Rob Brezsny
A lusty but sensitive rock star encounters the leader of a goddess-worshiping religious order that values pranks as much as prayers.
Check out Rob's band World Entertainment War.
Want to know more about Rob, or look up past horoscopes? Visit freewillastrology.com.
You can contact Rob at firstname.lastname@example.org.
TAURUS(April 20May 20): Author Danny Cox is an "accelerationist," according to the promotional blurb on his website. His talent is to induce "faster movement, higher efficiency, and increased productivity." I call on you to be a different kind of accelerationist in the coming week, Taurus: one who inspires visions of the big picture, purges pettiness from all interactions, and agitates on behalf of the highest possible ideals. If that leads to faster movement, higher efficiency, and increased production, fine. If it doesn't, equally fine. Your assignment is to be a soul accelerationist, not an ego accelerationist.
GEMINI(May 21June 20): In his book Chronicles: Volume 1, famed Gemini bard Bob Dylan claims he never wanted to be the voice of his generation, let alone a prophet of protest leading a charge to overthrow the corrupt empire. "I really was never any more than a folk musician who gazed into the gray mist with tear-blinded eyes," he writes. "My deepest dream was a house on a tree-lined block with a white picket fence, pink roses in the backyard." I believe many of you Geminis will thrive in the coming nine months if you pursue a similarly modest path. Beginning next November, you may be called on to raise some beautiful and benevolent hell, but in the short run I advise you to bolster your foundations with tender loving care.
CANCER(June 21July 22): Five hundred British art experts recently voted to determine the most influential artwork of all time. Was it Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa or Michelangelo's David? No. The winner was Fountain, the white porcelain urinal that Marcel Duchamp mounted in a gallery show in 1917. "It reflects the idea that the creative process that goes into a work of art is the most important thing," said one of the voters, Simon Wilson. "The work itself can be made of anything and can take any form." I nominate Duchamp's urinal to be the most potent symbol in your world in the coming weeks, Cancerian. May it inspire you to place fresh thinking above all other values. For the foreseeable future, the greatest beauty will originate in imaginative departures from the way things have always been done.
LEO(July 23Aug. 22): Clint Eastwood's Million Dollar Baby is the best Hollywood movie of 2004, said A.O. Scott in The New York Times. But Salon's Charles Taylor panned the film, calling it leaden and boring, "a compendium of every cliché from every bad boxing melodrama ever made." I suspect that you will get equally contradictory reviews for your life and work in the coming week, Leo. For instance, some people may regard you as a magician who has transformed rot into splendor, while others may think of you as a dabbler with too much self-esteem. Both are wrong. More importantly, their opinions, whether good or bad, shouldn't concern you. Be your own judge.
VIRGO(Aug. 23Sept. 22): The wife of lottery winner Jack Whittaker bemoans the day he struck it rich. Since collecting $113 million in 2002, he has been in trouble with the law constantly, and has wasted a lot of time gambling and hanging out at strip clubs. "I wish I would have torn the lottery ticket up," says Jewel Whittaker. Let's hope you handle your growing solvency with more aplomb, Virgo. My guess is that although you're not going to win the lottery this year, your luck and hard work will conspire to raise your disposable income. Don't let it make you too crazy.
LIBRA(Sept. 23Oct. 22): In a recent study, researchers could not train blue jays to postpone their desire. After a thousand repetitions, the birds still kept gobbling down a tiny chunk of food instead of waiting a short time for a much bigger piece. Many scientists believe that humans are similarly hardwired for instant gratification. If that's true, Libra, you must resist it with all your power in the coming week. A better, more substantial prize will soon become available if you can stop yourself from grabbing the meager treat that's in front of your nose right now.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23Nov. 21): I beg you not to do what Robert Chamberlain did in his room at a Motel 6 in Chenango, New York, last May. Please don't buy 14 jars of petroleum jelly and smear the stuff all over yourself, the walls, and the furniture. On the other hand, Scorpio, I do recommend that you become as slippery as possible in the coming week, metaphorically speaking. Don't stay too long in one place, don't commit yourself to long-term plans, don't get stuck in dogmatic perspectives, and don't get pinned down, period.
Find everything you're looking for in your city
Find the best happy hour deals in your city
Get today's exclusive deals at savings of anywhere from 50-90%
Check out the hottest list of places and things to do around your city