NY Mirror

At gay night at the Park afterwards a young queen is so very unstereotypically shrieking, "Desperate Housewives won! Hell-leaux!" Another craven homosexual runs up to me and says, "If Swank steals the Oscar from BENING again, I can't go on! She only won last time for looking like MATT DAMON."

By the way, didn't it seem like the Desperate Housewives cast members have already arrived at that place the Sex and the City gals took five years to land in? Total dislike.

At least EVA LONGORIA's as happy as a bearded clam. According to an Us Weekly caption: " 'We make it work,' former 'NSyncer J.C. CHASEZ, 28, tells Us of his nine-month long-distance relationship with Desperate Housewives' Longoria, 29. (He lives in Florida, she's L.A.-based.)" Yeah, they're triumphing against all sorts of challenges.

She's taking care of Christina: Applegate does Sweet Charity.
Photograph by Paul Kolnik
She's taking care of Christina: Applegate does Sweet Charity.

I've got one last astounding insight about a celebrity couple: Among the literati, TIM MCGRAW and FAITH HILL are lovingly referred to as McGraw-Hill. Now let me go take care of Michael.




Leguizamo and Laurence Fishburne in Precinct 13
photo: Courtesy of Rogue Pictures
LITTER BOX
Dish of Assault

In the charged remake Assault on Precinct 13, JOHN LEGUIZAMO is fun as a manic druggie prisoner who calls himself "an entrepreneur motherfucker" and asks a copper, "Have you been eating doughnut? Your eyes are glazed." At the premiere (at a theater in our own precinct 13, creepy-deepily enough), I asked Leguizamo if making the set-bound movie was a claustrophobic experience. "It's supposed to be claustrophobic," he said. "That's the idea!" He probably would have yelled, "Duh," but he needed to borrow my pen to sign autographs for a second, so he stayed civil. I mentioned that legit stages are much less claustro these days thanks to Leguizamo—sorry, theater again—who helped pave the way for all the above-referenced one-person shows that currently fill Broadway with geniuses, egomaniacs, and schizophrenics. Shouldn't he get a cut? "Yeah," he exclaimed, grinning. "I'd like a little taste of their success. If not 10 percent, then at least five!" Is he a pioneer? "I try to be," he said, borrowing the pen again. "I try not to suck whenever I do something." That attitude is so rare in Hollywood that as I heard it, my eyes turned into crullers!


musto@villagevoice.com

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