By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
On this holiest of Hallmark holidays, we envision more than a few of you sitting on that ass and hoping some bodega-bought rose offering or an extra pack of smokes will get you off the hook till next year. Oh, if only. Many dread Valentine's Day, everyone partakes-lest venomous hellfire reign down from your gentle-lover-turned-wildebeest. To ease things along, we've conjured up a couple of possible options for the night.
Best of luck, hustler.
1. For the horny wine-guzzler: L.E.S. wine bar Punch & Judy serves a four-course dinner with a carafe of vino and a glass of champagne. Serious lushes can order up a few $16 flights of choice red or white vintages and partake of those plush velvet booths in the back.
2. For the shameless exhibitionist: Boudoir-inspired lounge Duvet will be strewing their mattresses with rose petals and offering a six-course meal, with the option of wine or champagne. With prices running from $100 to $300 per person, you better make some real use of that bed, stud.
3. For the by-the-book romantic: Oak Room at the Algonquin hosts a performance by jazz vocalist Jack Donahue, who we imagine will be forced into more than one version of "My Funny Valentine". It's $50, plus a $20 drink minimum.
4. For the resolute smoker: If they love you, they'll let you inhale (well, maybe not). Fifteen dollars at blue-blood boite Lexington Bar & Books scores you a performance by a live jazz trio and a complementary cigar to smoke indoors, worry-free.
5. For those who hope to catch a celebrity "mid-slow jam": At A-list favorite Sway, Gabby Gab in association with Retail Mafia will present "Always and Forever," a party with seductive love songs from Barry White and other famous sex crooners. Lindsey Love and Adult Language of Negroclash, P. Jones, and Scratch Famous from Deadly Dragon will DJ. Red Stripe open bar from 10 to 11 p.m.
6. For the el cheapo: Baby, your love is worth a $2.50 Beast. Throwing down shots at East Village dive International Bar might scream "deal breaker" to some, but your honey bunny knows they're just going to have to be a little patient till that seminal zydeco/thrash EP of yours takes flight. 'Nother Rheingold?
7. For those who want to escape till February 15: We suggest 169 Bar, tucked far enough over on East Broadway to avoid the celebrating crowds. They'll be dropping a couple hundred while you and your single friends knock down inexpensive shots many, many blocks away. Happy Valentine's Day, indeed.