All Apologies

[Cutesy nickname redacted],

Here's a list of things I, as a sensitive boyfriend, should probably apologize for. And by the way, I know I told you I'd make you dinner on Valentine's Day, but I don't think I'll get out of work early enough for that. Maybe next week?

Saying lewd things to you in front of our friends
And acquaintances

Stealing your roommate's whip-its
And subsequently tearing his houseplant apart while semi-conscious

Being almost cripplingly forgetful
What's this the punch line to?

Making you watch The Ashlee Simpson Show
I try not to leer

Making you watch Family Guy
Lois: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying)

Being drunk all the time
Though rarely puking

Including a picture of me taken with porn star Rachel Rotten on my Friendster profile
Might've guessed that would be a problem

Talking about myself and/or my boring job all the time
Did I tell you how one of my editors complimented my Ashlee Simpson album review on Friday?

Farting indiscriminately
How I enjoy it

Locking you out of our hotel room at 4:00 a.m. in Vegas
At least that naked picture of me was fake, as we later discovered

Making you come to my place all the time
Otherwise I'd have to walk

Leaving the toilet seat up
From now on I'll let my pee dribble onto the seat

Starting that fire in your bathroom
I was lighting a match as a favor to everyone

Letting myself go
I do drink mostly light beer now

Using my "authority" to get a love letter to you "published" online
Oh wait, you owe me one

Anything else I do wrong in the future
Consider this my get-out-of-jail-free card

Love,
N.C.