By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Ah, fuck it. I love my girlfriend like a fat kid loves cake, don't get me wrong, son, but if I told you all the dirty things I'm always whispering in her ear in bed (OK, belching in her face at the bar), you'd think I was some kind of pervert, "lady lover," or worse. Fo' rizzle. You do not know my steez. So instead of perving out, monogamous relationship style, I'm gonna run down a list of things I love in addition to my Sweet Bunz, as I affectionately call her. So without further adoo-doo . . .
1. Dirty handjobsJerking off is all well and good, but man, there's just something about getting your pud pulled by somebody else, especially when it involves girls spitting into their hands, top-shelf lube (such as Gun Oil, with its fairy tale corporate history: "During Operation Desert Storm," says their website, "Marines jacked off with actual military-issue gun oil while hunkered down in the trenches of Kuwaiti battlefields. A group of those marines has developed a high-tech, condom-safe formula for smooth, rapid-fire action"), movie theaters, plane rides (yes, I'm a member of the Quarter-Mile-High Club), and use of the phrase "dirty handjob." Plus, you don't have to expend all that energy humping or flicking your wrist.
2. Lindsay LohanEveryone says she's a skank, and of course I agree, but . . . where was I going with this?
3. Worldsex.comYes, I get lots of free porn in the mail (remember me, Johnny Maldoro, former Voice porn critic? Hello? Anybody?)The Fat the Bald & the Ugly just came in the mail todaybut nothing beats flipping open the laptop when a Family Guy you've already seen comes on, and clicking greedily through all those sleazy pics and movie clips. Given the time, I'll have a half-dozen or 10 tabs open in my browser, and I'll click from an 8-second facial to some chick pulling panties out of her pussy to a dirty handjob. My brain is so utterly fragmented that sometimes I can't imagine jacking off any other way.
4. Bong hitsJoints are luxurious, bowls sometime necessary, vaporizers plain weird, gravity bongs too college, and an apple and foil throwback. Nothing compares, however, to coming home from my cubicle and taking a shotgun blast or five of water-cooled smoke from the Pyrex chamber. Mmmm . . . I can almost taste that days-old water splashing up to my lips . . . feel my throat constricting violently . . . hear the sounds of my hydro-induced hacking . . . remember what it's like to be a whole person again . . .
5. Ashlee SimpsonI finally started watching Newlyweds, and seeing Jessica pout in the back of a limo over her dog or something really endeared me to her, but still, she is kind of frighteningly blond, and Ashlee is so real, like totally representative of all the Hot Topic hotties I'd troll the mall for if the only "mall" near my house weren't Fulton Street. Her teeth are a little bit crooked, her mom is a bitch, she wears shirts that say "Punk" on it while she's singing the most utterly polished pop possible (love love love "Pieces of Me," by the way)how much more adorably typical could she be?
6. Cam'ron"I ain't dissin' you dog, I'm dismissin' you/Get the R. Kelly tape and see how we piss on you/That's Kool-Aid, Mountain Dew, and Cris on you/Ya family will be missin' you, there's a kiss for you." Dipset, bitch!
Runners upNew socks, clocking dollars, Young Buck, Entertainment Weekly, vanilla sex, fajitas, Mama Maldoro, "Rhiannon," Gwen Stefani in platform heels, my adoring fans who never wrote any letters to the editor when my column disappeared . . .