By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Last weekend at a popular club in the meatpacking district, I looked at cock for six hours. I wish I could say I'd snuck into a circle jerk at the Lure, but that infamous leather bar closed its doors in 2004. I, along with adult starlet Carmen Luvana and DJ Whoo Kid from G-Unit and Hot 97, spent the day evaluating the potential of porn star wannabes. Doing our best Simon-Paula-Randy imitations, we assessed the personalities and perused the packages of more than 30 candidates for Reality X: The Search for Adam & Eve, (searchforadamandeve.com) a new pay-per-view series.
From The Ozporns to Rear Factor, the adult industry often parodies reality TV, and what's more spoof-worthy than American Idol? The most popular show in its genre (more young people voted for the American Idol winner than in the last election) has already spawned three full-blown imitations (Platinum X Pictures' Porn Star Idol, Hustler's American Porn Idol Contest, and Jet Set's gay American Porn Star). Now, adult giant Adam & Eve has launched a multi-city talent search to discover the hottest new couple to fuck on film. Both real couples (and single people who don't mind being paired with an unknown partner) are eligible to audition. Sixteen semifinalists will be flown to Jamaica in March to compete for a chance to star in a movie and win a contract with Adam & Eve worth up to $250,000. The six-episode series will air on the In Demand networks in the spring.
During the course of our cock 'n' cunt critique, it was no surprise to me that we saw two couples, one single woman, and about 25 single men. More men than women aspire to be video fuck studs for hire, all of them believe they've got what it takes, and most think all they have to do is bone hot girls for a living. There's a reason why there are hundreds of women in porn, yet you see the same handful of guys in every movie: It's one of the toughest jobs around. A male porn star has to get hard on command and stay hard for an unnaturally long time. He has to fuck in the cold outdoors, fuck when he's not turned on, and fuck when another guy is holding a hot light an inch away from his ass. The straight male porn star is an underpaid, unsung hero who has uncanny abilities. And he's hard to find.
We asked contestants questions like: What's the wildest sexual thing you've ever done? (Favorite answer, delivered with most bravado: "I don't want to go into too much detail, but I will say it involved strawberries and whipped cream!") And: What qualifies you to be the next great porn star? ("I just got an audition to be an extra on Third Watch, so my career is really going places.") Then we invited them to show us their best attributes, and this part of the process involved guys performing a spontaneous striptease, while DJ Whoo Kid checked e-mail on his Blackberry. Carmen, taking a cue from Miss Abdul's upbeat and ever so gracious attitude, even talked dirty and showed her tits to some for encouragement. But this is where the reality of XXX reality TV came into play: Could these guys get it up on a set full of bright lights, multiple cameras, and a crew of 40 (mostly male) onlookers? An intimidating situation to be sure, but a simulation of what it's like on a porn set.
A twentysomething dude from Boston announced proudly, "I have huge balls." I've never heard any guy use that as a selling point before. (I asked a gay male friend if that would appeal to him, and he shrugged, "They're just like big boobs on a girl, fun to play with, I guess.") He did, in fact, have very large and low-hanging cojones, and he also smacked his own ass as he worked his tool. I just kept thinking about this one popular shot where the camera is underneath the copulating couple, and how this guy's balls would obscure her pussy in that shot; that could be a liability. One guy told us that if he broke into the business, he'd like to use his childhood nickname, which people still call him: the Garanimal. I explained to him that Garanimals is a children's clothing line with little animals on the tops and bottoms, and while it may convey "Look, Mom! I can match my clothes myself!" it doesn't actually say, "blue-movie hunk."
We asked another guy to act out a student-teacher role-play fantasy with Carmen. He immediately named himself Professor Lance, and told her that in order to bring her grades up, she'd have to get Mr. Lance up. "That's how it is in the school of hard cocks," he said, without even cracking a smile. In the next audition, a genuine nerdwho looked like the ultimate scrawny, mild-mannered, dorky accountantsaid he could get a boner anytime, anywhere. I turned my head to say something to Carmen, and when I looked back, sure enough, it was standing at attention. It was by far the fastest erection achieved and one of the more solid ones we'd seen all day. My advice to him: "You gotta work your geeky guy thing. Don't listen to anyone who tells you to get contacts or go to the gym. Embrace who you are."
We met bartenders, cabdrivers, former stockbrokers, and a hot rocker guy with a big Delaware belt buckle and the best-looking cock of the bunch. We saw a former competitive gymnast and a New York Golden Gloves boxing champ. But it ultimately became a blur of mostly flaccid cocks and earnest guys struggling to get them up. Worse than their performance anxiety (which I sympathize with) was that too many were just plain dull. I'd like to think I'm not the only girl in the world who wants some personality to go with a penis.
My favorite couple was a perky, petite, uninhibited blonde with beautiful natural breasts and a cute ass, and her boyfriend, a thick, muscular, tall guy who looked twice her size. She called the shots, telling him what to do and how to do it. It's that kind of take-charge attitude coupled with her comfort with her sexuality that could serve her well in the adult industry. They're headed to Jamaica, and while I guarantee they will go all the way, I hope they win too.
Please visit puckerup.com