Dirty Bananas

Our columnist plays Porno Paula on the XXX version of American Idol

Runaway Bay, JamaicaIn February, I served as a judge at the New York auditions for Reality-X: The Search for Adam & Eve (searchforadamandeve.com), a pay-per-view series documenting the search for the next great porn star couple. After the multi-city tryouts, 16 finalists were chosen. I had a great time assessing contestants' genital capabilities ("Erection Selection," February 22-March 1), so when producers asked me to judge the finals, I didn't have a very difficult decision to make. Should I go to Jamaica to evaluate competitive copulators? Um, yeah.

Thirteen of the selected 16 met the eligibility requirements (including negative test results for various STDs and HIV), and flew to Jamaica to fuck for the grand prize: $10,000 and a contract with porn powerhouse Adam & Eve worth up to $250,000. As soon as I arrived on the island, I was whisked away to a villa where many of the scenes would be shot. There I met the finalists whom I'll identify by my own nicknames for them). There was the Diva, a high-maintenance troublemaker with typical-porno-chick blond hair and big fake boobs; Miss Congeniality, a sweetie with a great attitude and an indomitable spirit; Bubbly Girl, a young brunette with an all-natural body and lots of enthusiasm; and the charismatic but slightly unstable Drama Queen. Their male partners were Crazy Joe, a mysterious man of few words from Delaware; the twentysomething Indiana Brothers, who weren't twins but looked like they could be; an embodiment of that ancient masculine archetype known as Neanderthal Man; and the most confident of the bunch, Stud Muffin. The real-life couples were Bodybuilder & Beach Bunny (the East Coast couple I picked in New York) and the Pinks, a rose-haired duo who document their life together on the website pinkgasm.com.

I spent the next few days in a 10-by-10-foot room with a porn editor to my right and a men's magazine publisher to my left (my fellow judges), staring at a television monitor. We watched as contestants were put through a series of rigorous tests, including completing a sex scene from kiss to come in under 30 minutes, fucking on a beach while standing up, and getting it on with multiple partners. We got into our roles, commenting on everything from the noises Bubbly Girl made when she sucked dick ("She's gotta tone that down") to what Crazy Joe did just before he came ("Wow, that could be his signature move!"). We sized up the Indiana Brothers (they looked so much alike, I even had trouble telling their cocks apart) and contemplated how Drama Queen would look if she let her eyebrows grow back (they were penciled on).

After long days of shooting, the cast and crew returned to the infamous resort Hedonism III, our all-inclusive paradise, which closely resembles what a Jamaican-themed hotel would be like in Vegas. There, the hot tub bubbled, the alcohol flowed freely, and contestants showed just how tireless their libidos were. A nondrinker, I found it hard to resist all the free fruity drinks being served nonstop, so I decided to indulge in a frothy rum-fueled milk shake called the Dirty Banana. It took only two of these before I was sloshed, flirting with my fellow judges and flashing my boobs at the bar. Adam & Eve contract star and host of Reality-X Carmen Luvana ogled my rack, proclaiming, "Honey, if I had a dick, I'd be smackin' it against your tits right now." Sadly, producers were not allowed to shoot anything sex-related at Hedonism III, so this titillating tidbit, along with others—rumored orgies by the pool, a spontaneous gang bang, or what happened when the Diva's husband showed up unannounced—was never captured on film. And neither was the hottest sex scene I saw all week.

On my day off, one of the producers suggested we go kayaking. I'd never kayaked before, but I thought it would be fun to do something in the water since I'd spent so much of the trip indoors. We signed release forms and headed out. A few minutes later, we spotted the Pinks in a kayak and paddled over to see them. We chatted for a bit, then one of them said, "Wouldn't it be cool to fuck in a kayak?" We all agreed it would. Next thing I know, they're peeling off their bathing suits, moving their oars, and he's between her legs making her moan. Producer and I watched silently from our kayak. She sucked his cock, which was already rock hard, then he laid her on her back and slid inside her. They started rocking, and the kayak swayed, but they didn't seem to care. I thought, "This is one of those scenarios that's fun but you can't actually get any leverage to really fuck the way you want to." Well, I was wrong. No gentle rocking for them—he was thrusting deep into her, and she was loving it. I was inspired to slip my hand down my bikini bottom and jerk off to the sight of them. The more they fucked, the further they moved to one end of the kayak, until it seemed like it would tip over. Suddenly Miss Pink's head was in the water, her bright-fuchsia hair submerged, with her face above the waves. At that moment, with water circling her head, she yelled, thrashed around, and came hard. It was spectacular; it was sexy; it was great live porno.

I wish I could tell you more—which stud talked a big game but when it came time to fuck just couldn't deliver, which girl started rumors about one of her competitors in order to frazzle her, which guy dressed like Brad Pitt from Snatch, which starlet freaked out in the middle of the contest—but I'm bound by contract not to reveal these crucial character and plot points. You'll have to watch the six-episode series, which debuts May 13 on the In Demand networks (indemand.com), and see for yourself—though some of what I want to tell is just too incriminating, unbelievable, and absurd. I may have to keep it to myself forever in order to protect the guilty, the innocent, and the insane.


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