By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
ARIES(March 21April 19): For all I know, you may someday author a book called How to Attract Your Very Own Millionaire Spirit Guide. If you do, you will begin writing it during an astrological phase much like the one you're in now. In fact, it could even be this week. You're more aligned with the cosmic cash flow than you have been in a long time; you're more likely than usual to stumble upon dumb financial luck and generate money mojo. See if you can hear the whispers of that millionaire spirit guide as you fall asleep tonight.
TAURUS(April 20May 20): Christians in Denmark celebrate Communion the way it's done in many other places: They eat a flat, tasteless wafer that symbolizes the body of Christ. Soon that may change, however. Some of the nation's best bakers have embarked on a campaign to whip up more delectable versions of the traditional host. This developing story reminds me of your current state, Taurus. It's a perfect moment for you to spice up a bland ritual, to get more thrills from a duty you regard as important, or to add variety to a sacred task you've done the same way for a long time.
GEMINI(May 21June 20): Larry Colvin, a prisoner in North Carolina's Buncombe Correctional Center, was scheduled to finish his four-month sentence on March 16. But just a few hours before his official release, he escaped. There's no word yet on whether he has been recaptured, but you can bet that when he is, the legal system will return him to jail for more than a few hours. Let this serve as a model for what not to do, Gemini. It would be crazy for you to try to wiggle out of your ongoing ordeal now that you're so close to its end. Endure the remaining time with poise and patience, studying its lessons until the lessons are truly done. It'll all be over soon.
CANCER(June 21July 22): It's the Fertile Inquiry time of year for you, Cancerian. The more questions you ask yourself, the better you'll feel. Here are a few to get you started. What do you want to be when you grow up? Are you prepared to start nurturing yourself as well as you nurture others? When will you dismantle the barriers within you that prevent those who love you from loving you with all their power? Are you finally ready to act on the understanding that home is not just a building but a state of mind, and that you need to work harder to foster that state?
LEO(July 23Aug. 22): Our goal is to rouse you out of your rut by any means necessary. I think the best way to do that is by stirring up a lot of wicked fun. It's certainly far superior to waiting around for a stroke of fate to kick your ass. So please undertake an aggressive plan that includes activities like these: Put on an inflatable sumo wrestler costume and play a bagpipe as badly as possible; write a love letter to your evil twin; see how far you can spit a mouthful of expensive wine; mix stripes with plaids, cashmere with polyester, and yellowish-green with reddish-purple; organize a party in which you and your friends act out scenes from your favorite TV show; make believe you are the ocean king or thunder queen; meditate naked under a waterfall.
VIRGO(Aug. 23Sept. 22): As public schools decline and private schools become more expensive, an increasing number of parents are homeschooling their children. I predict that an analogous phenomenon will arise among religious groups. Called the "homechurch" movement by Christians, "homesynagogue" by Jews, and "hometemple" by other traditions, it will consist of people creating altars and conducting worship sessions in their own abodes. Seekers pursuing this approach will eliminate the middlemen and serve as their own priests, priestesses, and rabbis. If you have even the slightest attraction to this meme, Virgo, launch your own version of it. It's time to crank up your spiritual intentions. The Divine Wow wants to talk.
LIBRA(Sept. 23Oct. 22): (Caution: Information in this horoscope contains references to exotic sexual practices. If you might be offended, stop reading now. I present this material because you are in a heightened state of arousal, both physically and metaphysically, and could benefit from outrageous provocations as you rethink your approach to intimate acts of love.) The ladybird beetle copulates for up to nine hours at a time, and males may have three 90-minute orgasms in one session. Bonobo apes are not obsessed with orgasm, but have frequent erotic exchanges of every variety, from intercourse to mutual masturbation to oral sex; homosexual contact is common. The male sponge louse disguises himself as a female to aid his seduction strategies. As soon as praying mantises begin coitus, the female bites off the male's head and eats it; sex continues, however. The slime mold comes in 500 genders, and at least 13 of these have to collaborate in order to have a successful mating session.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23Nov. 21): Would you like to transform yourself from being a slave of your desires into being a master? It's a perfect time to work on that worthy project. Here's what you should do: (1) Keep talking yourself out of being attached to trivial goals and keep talking yourself into being thrilled about the precious few goals that are really important; (2) whenever you are overwhelmed by a desperate longing to be loved, transform the feeling into a fierce determination to give love lavishly.