By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
ARIES(March 21April 19): A judge in Los Angeles was peeved when a potential juror let out a loud yawn during the jury selection process. "I'm sorry, but I'm really bored," the man confessed. The judge found him in contempt and fined him $100. Similarly, Aries, the universe will find you in contempt if you let yourself get sucked into activities that dull your senses, shut down your curiosity, or numb your lust for life. This week it's your sacred duty to seek out only the most interesting stimuli.
TAURUS(April 20May 20): Most towns in Ghana have no street names, and the houses have no numbers. It's hard to find where people live if you've never visited them before. This is a good metaphor for an issue I want to bring to your attention, Taurus. There's a certain part of your life that has never been mapped, let alone organized. And yet it's not at all wild; in fact, it's like a bustling village where the streets have no names. It's high time you brought some order and discipline to this place.
GEMINI(May 21June 20): Film actor Gianni Russo, best known for his portrayal of wiseguys, has fathered 11 children with 10 different women. He'll be both your role model and anti-role model in the coming weeks, Gemini. Like him, your fertility will be abundant. Unlike him, you should focus this huge gift with precision and discrimination. Please don't work on any more than two brainchildren at a time.
CANCER(June 21July 22): Research on newly discovered fragments of ancient New Testament texts reveals that Christian fundamentalists have been working under an erroneous assumption. The number of the beast is not 666, as right-wing prophets of the apocalypse have long believed. The correct figure is actually 616. I mention this, Cancerian, because your ideas about enemies and evil are also about to undergo a revision. Freed from an illusion, you will at first be sad, then relieved, then confused, then elated.
LEO(July 23Aug. 22): I have a dream that in the new world, everyone will be paid in direct proportion to how much beauty they create. There'll be an affirmative action program that ultimately makes most of us celebrities. Buddhist real estate developers will build a chain of sacred shopping centers in the heartland. The CEOs of the richest companies will be required by law to enjoy once-a-week sessions with Jungian psychotherapists. In the new world, April Fools' Day will come once a month. There'll be scientific horoscopes and mystical logic. Every one of us will have at least one imaginary friend. Compassion will be an aphrodisiac. Pioneers in artificial intelligence will develop computers that can talk to God. That's my vision of the new world, Leo. What's yours? It's a perfect moment to imagine your personal vision of utopia.
VIRGO(Aug. 23Sept. 22): You've probably never heard of one of the greatest heroes of the last 100 years. Virgo microbiologist Maurice Hilleman (1919-2005) developed vaccines for measles, pneumonia, meningitis, hepatitis, and many other diseases. The Guardian said he saved more lives in the 20th century than anyone else. And yet, as is all too typical for Virgos, he never got anywhere near the acclaim he deserved. Having said that, I believe the coming weeks will depart from the astrological norm. Many of you Virgos will get much more of the recognition and rewards you have earned but never before received.
LIBRA(Sept. 23Oct. 22): We're all in the closet in one way or another. Every one of us feels that there's some part of ourselves we've got to hide, that if we reveal the totality of who we really are, we will suffer. For example, U.S. Army Sergeant Robert Stout, who was wounded and got a Purple Heart for his service in Iraq, ultimately decided he was tired of being secret about his homosexuality. As a result, he can't re-enlist, even though he'd like to. My psychotherapist friend Alicia has always used astrology in her practice, but only recently chose to be open about it. Some of her colleagues broke off relations when she told them. According to my reading of the omens, Libra, it's an ideal time to carefully come out of whatever closet you've been in. I'm not saying there'll be no repercussions, just that you'll have clarity and strength as you deal with them. And the freedom you create with your brave revelation will change everything for the better.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23Nov. 21): One of Sesame Street's most recognizable characters is Cookie Monster. After years of feasting on all the cookies he wanted, the fuzzy blue puppet has recently been forced to limit his intake. In an effort to teach kids better eating habits, the show's producers even require Cookie Monster to sing a song called "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food." I vociferously protest this action. Born November 2, Cookie Monster is a Scorpio, and Scorpios shouldn't be compelled to tone down their desires as long as their desires aren't hurting anyone. You're on this earth to explore your cravings, to be led by your cravings to the frontiers of understanding. That's the only way they can teach you all they have to teach. Now go and commune with as many cookies (or your personal equivalent) as you need to.