By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
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By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20May 20): According to recent polls, people no longer think that most of the old seven deadly sins are even sins, let alone deadly. Greed is the only one of the originals that the majority still regards as worth condemning, while anger, pride, gluttony, sloth, envy, and lust have been demoted to minor lapses. What's your position on the matter, Taurus? It's a perfect time to update your moral values and redefine what it means to be on your best and worst behavior. Why? Because violating your highest standards would be especially costly in the coming weeks, while vigorously upholding your ideals would bring unprecedented rewards.
GEMINI (May 21June 20): Important messages will come to you via the wind this week. I mean that literally. You may not be able to receive the full impact of the revelations if you spend too much time indoors, so I suggest that you spend as much time as possible in natural settings. Hike briskly or sit quietly; either approach will work. Empty your mind as best as you can, and attune yourself to the language of the breeze. Be alert for the leaves it blows, the dust it stirs, the sound it makes, the voices in your head it awakens, and anything else it might use to communicate with you.
CANCER (June 21July 22): Let's say, hypothetically speaking, that you went out for a long walk in the woods and got lost. Would you know what to eat in order to avoid starvation? Here's a tip: If your shoes were leather, they'd have sufficient nutritional value to keep you going. And that's a useful metaphor for you to chew on in the coming week, Cancerian. Your current state of affairs has similarities to a meandering ramble through a deep, dark forest. You should be resourceful, even experimental, as you gather the nourishment that will sustain you until you find your way out.
LEO (July 23Aug. 22): Prince George's County in Maryland is one of the most affluent African American communities in the U.S. While preparing to build 20 new million-dollar homes in the area, a developer recently discovered the ruins of an old slave cabin dating back to the 19th century. At the urging of historians, he agreed to restore it and make it into a monument to the captive workers who once toiled in the tobacco fields that used to be there. As you rise to a higher level of accomplishment, Leo, you should consider creating a similar memento that will remind you of how far you have come.
VIRGO (Aug. 23Sept. 22): In early April, Star Wars devotees began camping out in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood. That was where several Star Wars films had premiered, and the fans were sure it would host the May 19 opening of Revenge of the Sith. Soon, however, authoritative sources informed them that there were no plans for the movie to be shown at Grauman's. Refusing to believe it, they dug in for an extended vigil. As it turned out, they were deluded: Seven weeks later, the final installment in the long-running series opened at the ArcLight theater a mile away. Let their actions be a guide for what not to do this week, Virgo. Don't you dare sit and wait for a supposedly glorious event that is in fact never going to happen. Instead, turn your attention to a more modest success, which will occur only if you're not distracted by grandiose visions.
LIBRA (Sept. 23Oct. 22): NASA's Deep Impact probe is scheduled to bomb the comet Tempel 1 on July 4. It will then study the dislodged material, which scientists hope will provide clues about the mysteries of the solar system. Meanwhile, Russian astrologer Marina Bai has sued NASA, claiming that a strike on the comet would "disrupt the natural balance of forces in the universe." Personally, I side with NASA, since the data that the probe gathers could help humanity deal with comets on a collision course with the Earth in the future. Besides, disrupting the natural balance of forces in the universe is sometimes the right thing to do. In fact, I recommend that you yourself do just that in the coming week.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23Nov. 21): Scientists are on the verge of recovering the lost treatises of Archimedes, ancient Greece's most brilliant mathematician. The words were originally inscribed on an old parchment, but were mostly erased in the 12th century by a Christian monk who wasn't interested in math and needed a fresh surface on which to write his prayers. Fragments of the ink that conveyed Archimedes' original thoughts remained, however, and now physicists at Stanford are using a particle accelerator to discern them beneath the newer text. Let this be your guiding metaphor in the coming week, Scorpio. Look for ways to retrieve precious information that has almost disappeared or that is hidden by a source with little meaning to you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22Dec. 21): Singer-songwriter Les Lokey has created a host of "brain bombs," provocative slogans she likes to fling in the direction of anyone who needs a hit of inspiration. Since you're in special need of compassionate wake-up calls right now, I've borrowed a few brain bombs for your use. Please carry out as many of the following instructions as you can manage. (1) Combat aggression. (2) Act as if creation is a reconciliation of extremes. (3) Try really, really hard to relax. (4) Be a slave to your free will. (5) Love fiercely. (6) Surrender to excellence. (7) Avoid hardening of the ironies.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22Jan. 19): Artist Max Ernst (1891-1976) specialized in using creative techniques that relied on the element of chance. He was a master of collage, assembling materials he got from newspapers, botanical drawings, catalogs, and scientific journals. He also liked to run a paintbrush over a piece of a canvas that was lying on a rough wooden floor, thereby making an impression of the underlying texture. This random approach drove some critics crazy, since it undermined the idea that worthwhile art can only be made by trained experts. Ernst seemed to imply that anyone could fabricate interesting stuff. He's your role model right now, Capricorn. Let him inspire you to shed any beliefs you might have that you're not creative. Capitalize on the element of chance to bring novelty into everything you do. Be alert for lucky accidents that you could take advantage of in order to freshen up everyone's perspective.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20Feb. 18): If you want to buy a personalized jersey at the National Football League's store, there's a list of 1,200 naughty words that you may not have inscribed on the back. The taboo terms include creamy, pearl necklace, magic wand, fondle, glazed donut, lotion, ass clown, tang, got2haveit, love rocket, show time, and get it on. It so happens that you would be wise to make liberal use of all these concepts and others like them in the coming week, at least according to my astrological analysis. I hope you weren't planning to order a personalized NFL jersey.
PISCES (Feb. 19March 20): Indescribable happiness is now available if you'll melt down your ego in service to love. The object of your adoration may be a special person, a beloved animal or place, or anything that stirs you to lose yourself in life's sweetest mysteries. For best results, heed these words from David Deida: "Give yourself to love itself, without a shred of you remaining. Die completely into loving. When you return, when your sense of self is recollected, you will be refreshed through and through, washed awake by the innocence lying wide on the other side of surrender."
Call Rob Brezsny, day or night, for your expanded weekly horoscope. 1-900-950-7700 $1.99 per minute. Touch-Tone phone required, 18 and over, C/S 612-373-9785. freewillastrology.com.
Free Will Astrology is a weekly horoscope published every Wednesday at 3 p.m. EST