By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Scene 3 Assholes Are Crueler
"Here are the new scripts."
"Just put them on my desk."
Scene 4 Dog Days
DMX escapes from the office.
DMX's owner, a Russian immigrant named GREGOR, starts yelling at everyone, "Who let the dog out?! Who let the dog out?!" in broken if not completely devastated English, not understanding why the rest of the office is so amused.
Scene 5 Black and Blue
Fancy announces he has designated himself OFFICE BULLY. Fancy calls people PUSSIES and shows people his BIG MUSCLES. Roger decides to bring in his IPOD to drown out the bully. Fancy snaps off the headphones from Roger's head. "What did I say about wearing headphones in the office?!" Fancy hadn't said anything about wearing headphones in the office. "What if I need to yell at you?" Fancy yells, showing
Roger his muscles. "And what are you listening to, rap music? That's not even music, that's just . . . rapping." Roger points out to Fancy that Fancy used to manage SHAGGY, the famous rapper who went diamond with "IT WASN'T ME." Fancy explains: "Yeah, but that man was a genius."
Scene 6 Reaganomics
Roger's MOTHER calls Roger; she hasn't heard from him in weeks and is worried. Roger impatiently asks his mother if she's forwarded his issues of THE NEW YORKER yet, since Roger never updated his subscription address and the CONDÉ NAST WEBSITE is completely impossible to navigate. Roger's mother hasn't. "Mom, are you wearing a condom?"
Act III, Scene 1 The Morning After
"I need you to get me one of these immediately," Gary says to Roger. Gary is pointing to a photo online of a baby BOSTON TERRIER. "I need you to get me this dog today, because I probably won't want one next week and then I'll have to leave it in some alley like I did with the last three dogs." Roger thinks Gary shouldn't have a dog but keeps it to himself. Roger also notes that the dog Gary's pointing to looks hilariously like Gary.
Scene 2 Spayed or Neutered
After spending nearly 12 straight hours on the phone, Roger tells Gary he did ithe found Gary a dog. "We did it," Gary corrects. "Is it a boy or a girl?" Roger says he has found a female Boston terrier. "I CAN'T FUCKING HAVE A GIRL PUPPY! THOSE THINGS ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING! WHENEVER YOU RUB THEIR STOMACHS YOU FEEL ALL THEIR NIPPLES!"
Scene 3 Fancypants
"I need to know Gary's schedule next week from 9 to 11 every day!" Fancy tells Roger. Roger politely explains to Fancy he can take care of this in a second. "A second? Look at my expensive watch. Look. You see, it took you a second just to say 'a second.' " Roger explains he needs to start up the calendar application on his computer to find out Gary's schedule. "Your computer's such a pussy."
Scene 4 Start Spreading the News
Fancy and Gary both approach Roger as he finishes up his search for Gary's dog. Gary keeps screaming really loudly, "FIND ME A BOY!" Fancy keeps screaming about Roger being such a pussy all the time. Roger breaks down and asks both of them if they could stop screaming, because it's been a long day. Fancy says, "No, you stop screaming. I'm your boss." Gary and Fancy fight over who's actually Roger's boss. Exhausted, Roger excuses himself and hides in the bathroom. He throws up, lights a match, and quits the next day.
Nick Sylvester is currently unemployed.