By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
KATHY GRIFFIN is B-list, according to her mom, but the comicwho swears Mama's drunkfeels she's actually a rock-bottom D. In fact, she's doing a Bravo reality series called Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List premiering next month, and though the show could end up lifting her to a higher level, hopefully it won't or they'll have to change the title.
"Everything about me is not NICOLE," Griffin swore to me in a recent phone interview. "No one's ever taken my picture at the Ivy. I stand at the valet for half an hour saying, 'That's not my car,' and no one points a camera! And you see these celebrities with $5,000 hairdos and their latest feature film was 'a family experience.' Well, the most I usually do on a movie is two days, so it's not exactly a family." It's more like a drive-by shooting.
Actually, Griffin is in a comfortable place where she's neither a big-bucks-spending grande dame nor one of those stars who rebel against their entitlement by totally skanking out. "I'd never be on Fabulous Life of . . .,"she said, "and I'm also not on Celebrities Uncensored, hyped up on crack blowing somebody in a parking lotand I'm not gonna say the name LINDSAY LOHAN!" No wayLindsay is D-cup.
Whatever list Griffin's on, she chirped, "It's a very good one. You have Jeffrey Dahmer's parents and you have your DARVA CONGER, your COOLIO, your MARIO LOPEZ. And none of them know it!" López is so unwittingly triple-D he even "threw down" with Griffin over some remark she'd made about his ex-marriage to ALI LANDRY. López bristled when they ran into each other, so Griffin smirkingly countered, "Didn't you fuck a girl at your own bachelor party?" He looked hurt and said, "I thought we were homeys!" Griffin was haunted by the poignancy of thator would have been if she weren't on the floor laughing her guts out.
She's certainly got a healthy B-plus mouthand at least she's not on fame's dark trailer ride to heck, like my homey BRITNEY. "To me, Chaotic is like an America Undercover where they go into a crack den," Griffin observed. "Her skin is all fucked up! And I love when they admit that they're drunk. 'We had great sex today. Ecstasy! Ecstasy!' OK, you're taking Ecstasy too, good for you!"
Griffin's own reality foray? There's a gay decorator running around, like on ANNA NICOLE SMITH's show. ("But I hate BOBBY TRENDY, with his stapled furniture.") And various employees uncork their feelings to the camera, just like in Chasing Farrah. But Kathy's not a fat actressthough her husband did have a gigunda weight gain, which he valiantly deals with on the show, causing some continuity problems but much all-around delight.
Most originally, Griffin loves the gays so much she admits, "My high school prom date is now a choreographer at Disney World." A few weeks ago, she went with her multitude of gay friends (and her slimmed-down hubby) to check out the choreography in Vegas, but she found that "CELINE doesn't do free ticketsespecially for me, because I once joked that she'd get a yeast infection from her white leather jumpsuit!" (I always thought it was white because of a yeast infection.) And forget about the Lycra-laden Cirque du Soleil, which Griffin thinks is total du-du. "I don't want to watch clowns roll a gigantic beach ball across the stage," she said. "And what is 'aye-aye-aye'?" It's the sound of me running for the exit and toward a better list.
Bye, Kathy. See ya when we're both A-minus.
DUCK, YOU SUCKER
I was high up on the guest list for the special screening of Hustle & Flow, the Sundance audience-pleaser about a non-jumpsuit-wearing pimp (played by Crash's TERRENCE HOWARD) and his quest for hip-hop stardom, with lots of skank and sass along the way. The flick makes Chaotic look like Saved by the Bell. Before the screening started, I was introduced to rising star Howard, but he became distracted by a New York Post lying nearbywith a headline saying the intoxicated plane stealer proved we're all still sitting ducksand disgustedly blurted, "Ain't nobody a sitting duck! That's a whole bunch of bullshit!" Pleased to meet you too, sir. "I wish the American people would wake up," Howard continued, fuming, "and realize they have to take charge of their government rather than trust the people they've put in power." So he's not a huge fan of the war, I gathered? "I'm for peace, man," he responded. "Is America under attack? I don't think so. I think the Constitution is under attack right now, and it needs to be fixed ASAP!"
Hallelujah, babybut on a lighter note, it's LUDACRIS who's under attack in the filmby Howardthe very same kickass trajectory that happened with their colliding characters in Crash. Does this make us all sitting ducks for a possible third screen tussle? "No, he put it in his contract that next time he's gotta beat me up," Howard jizz-oked, lightening up a lot.