Compassion: Impossible

What I share and don't share with one half of the creature currently known as TomKat

I suppose there might be a glimmer of hope for our girl. Hollywood engagements are made to be broken, and judging from their respective histories above, this one is no exception. Katie is from Ohio, where they make marzipan, preppy liberal arts colleges, and willowy brunettes. Tom is from New Jersey, where they make acrylic nails, big hair, and publicist-firing egomaniacs. It can never work. The harder they scream, "We're in love!" the less equipped we are to believe them. It's all so mind-numbingly transparent. Sure, this has all been a nice distraction from Brad and Angelina, which was a nice distraction from . . . I can't remember, of course. But this too shall pass, and we will target another set of celebrities with major motion picture releases on the horizon. It's a little sad, really, knowing that I don't have Katie Holmes's bust literally or metaphorically. She was always famous in a good way, but now she's been sucked into a celebrity orbit so bizarre that she can never return to earth.

I am acquainted with one young actress who has appeared in the same magazines as Katie. She has that deer-caught-in-the-flashbulbs look about her that celebrities get, but is otherwise a fairly normal and intelligent person. Once, at a private but crowded party, I walked in on her peeing. She laughed and I laughed and I suggested that she consider locking the door next time. I knew what she was thinking—precisely what we've programmed her to think. She should lock the door because a photo of her squatting with her pants down would look great on Page Six. Because people speculate enough about her as it is. Because peeing is a smaller-than-life thing and because people are marveling about her famousness. She would have had a right to her paranoia, but as we walked to the bar together, all eyes trying not to be on her, I couldn't resist making her human again: "Because you're a girl."

Holmes in Batman Begins
photo: Warner Bros.
Holmes in Batman Begins

Sloane Crosley's last Essay was about being a vegetarian.

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