By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Down a few planks, over at the Tides, drag diva SWEETIE was mixing her customary warm ballad lip syncs with acidly cutting commentary, doing so well with it she'll no doubt be shipped off to Finland soon. About LAURA BUSH, she advised, "Cut her hair! Give her some highlights! Slap a pair of lashes on that cunt! She's a dowdy old bitch who's determined to be uglier than the royal family!"
In the Pines, I learned that queen bee ROBIN BYRD is hawking ringtone messages that she's recorded for cell phones. ("Kiss my feet, slave, and answer the phone," one of them spiritedly goes.) But I learned from an actual queen that STAR JONES is getting paid less because she won't be promoting Payless anymore. Due to the economy, corporate shake-ups, and other factors, Star's million-dollar-a-year contract wasn't renewed. So you can all kiss her bare feet.
I wore Blahnik galoshes to Fox's unfortunately waterlogged premiere of Fantastic Four at Liberty Island, a five-hour epic evening that had invitees standing in a holding pen for an hour until the rain stopped and we could board the ferry; scarily stampeding the buffet station when we landed on the soggy island (I won); taking in a what-the-heck fireworks display, which was still sputtering as the movie finally started; and then, when the projector died from residual moisture after just a few minutesa godsend?queasily boarding the boat right back to New York. "Whose idea was this?" muttered FABIAN BASABE as a Daily News columnist blamed it all on RUPERT MURDOCH's bad karma. But it was a rousing adventure, cough cough, and at least I got to meet CHRIS EVANS, who plays Johnny Storm-the Human Torch. When I asked him if he's the fiercest of the four, Evans said, "Fiercest? Have you seen JESSICA ALBA?" "Well, I'm gay, so she does nothing for me," I replied, and he generously laughed and patted me on the back. Fuck Lady LibertyI'm carrying a torch for the Human Torch.
What overrated fortyish music star is referred to by Equinox trainers as "Stinky"; in fact, they all draw straws to see who's going to have to work with him? What longtime new wave singer looks really smart in his cross-dressing clothes? What online writer says stuff like "I got this bag for free. I'm on that level now"? What female scribe is getting very intimate with that society gal with a shady parent? What celebrity's famous dad generously told a camera crew that his daughter should be more honest about her former heroin habit? What composer read a diva in front of people for fucking with the character, but he still gets her parts anyway? What irrepressible TV-to-movie star plowed a supermodel, then when she was asleep, slipped off to screw another one down the hall? Why did he never make it into the room beyond that? (I was lying with my butt poised.)
What onetime MADONNA find hangs around Beige telling racist jokes? What celeb's ex-husband just had a threatening e-mail sent to MICHELANGELO SIGNORILE? Free answer: DAVID GEST. His office demanded for no specified reason that Signorile remove from his site a three-year-old article he did chronicling the media's speculation about the guy's sexuality (and in fact that he remove any mention of him)? Honey, if Gest is trying to flush all gay online references, it might be easier for him to just shut down Macintosh and Microsoft. Signorile responds, "This is ridiculous. I'm not taking down anything."