NY Mirror

Smells like team spirit

Gus Van Sant: Congrats, I guess, on having the three balls to make such a nihilistic slice of nihilistic nihilism as Last Days, mutter mutter, scratch scratch, mutter snort keel. And kudos to me for now preparing to so cleverly hijack the entire thesis of this column (the way Brangelina tried to do in the last graph) and turn it into a straightforward report on the premiere.

And so: Before the screening started, I smirkily asked Sonic Youth's THURSTON MOORELast Days' music consultant—if the film's torture, as a few critics so rudely claimed. "Completely!" Moore responded. "It's beautiful torture! I love when MICHAEL PITT is nodding out while a BOYZ II MEN video is playing—in full." (Yikes—that's Abu Ghraib-level abuse.)

Before I submitted to the film's languid, splotchy trance, I asked Van Sant if it was true that Brad Pitt once approached him to do a Kurt Cobain flick. "Yes," Van Sant said, dryly. "But I thought 'a biopic?' Then after a little while I thought, 'Maybe I'll do a different kind of film. Maybe it should be more obscure.' " And I guess that included using a more obscure Pitt.

Hey, didn't Van Sant ask COURTNEY LOVE to play herself in that earlier version? (My spies say she politely declined.) "I heard that too!" the auteur deadpanned, with confirming eyes. Well, let's pin a pretty ribbon of congratulations on my reportorial ass!


Secrets and thighs

Producer BURT DUBROW is developing an updated version of I've Got a Secret for the Game Show Network, this time with an all-gay panel. I sadly had to decline a panel seat because I'm straight—kidding; it was because I've got a secret, and it's that I have a phobia about sizable out-of-town commitments. I can assure you, though, that they're rising above that—way above that—and are preparing a saucy, sassy romp.

Wait, I've got more secrets. Book agent DAVID KUHN plays another kind of deal maker—an auctioneer—in the upcoming culture-clash flick June-bug . . . At Au Coin du Feu, rocker mom BEBE BUELL and fox.com's ROGER FRIEDMAN were buzzing about collaborating on a hush-hush project . . . Not so quietly, a makeup artist has been running around town screaming that when he was making up TERI HATCHER's face recently, the Desperate Housewives star diva-esquely tried to direct him at it. The mascara man countered, "Honey, you act, I do makeup. If you knew how to do it, why'd you ask for a makeup artist?" Ever the lady, Hatcher promptly acquiesced.

A whole bunch of broads, JIMMY JAMES does vocal impressions of all the great stars plus MACY GRAY in his Divas Are Forever show at Helen's. Versatile Jimmy even talks and says BOY GEORGE wouldn't let him use a duet they'd recorded, so he simply stole the track. I guess that constitutes yet another impression—WINONA RYDER.

Finally, AMY GRANT will do an impression of God in the upcoming reality show Three Wishes, which plans to make all sorts of daffy dreams come true. I hear producers are encouraging gays to submit their ideas, so go ahead, tell them what you want: A cure for meth mouth? Sainthood for Kylie? An end to reality shows?

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