By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22Dec. 21): Just as today's fundamentalists quote the Bible to rationalize their persecution of homosexuals, some 16th-century Christians used the good book to justify slavery. I predict that our descendants will look back with equally horrified amazement at both of these errors. And that thought is a good introduction to your assignment in the coming week, Sagittarius. What intolerant, ignorant, or hidebound beliefs do you hold that will be embarrassing to the Future You? It's a perfect time, astrologically speaking, to divest yourself of them. (PS: I don't mean to imply you're more narrow-minded than the rest of us; we all have shortsighted opinions we won't be proud of when we're older and wiser. It's just that this is your special time to free yourself of yours.)
CAPRICORN(Dec. 22Jan. 19): "There will come a time when you believe everything is finished," wrote novelist Louis L'Amour. "Yet that will be the beginning." He could have been describing your life in the coming week, Capricorn. Just when you're sure you've gone as far as you can go, worked as hard as you can work, and exhausted all the possibilities, you will find the secret to a sweet, fresh gamble that will awaken your most brilliant innocence.
AQUARIUS(Jan. 20Feb. 18): While filming an underwater scene for her upcoming movie Into the Blue, actress Jessica Alba accidentally found herself in uncomfortable proximity to a shark. Rather than panic and flee, though, she thumped it on the nose, causing it to swim away. I nominate her to be your role model in the coming week, Aquarius. While I don't expect you to have a literal encounter with a shark, I do expect you to have a brush with a metaphorical version of that creature. The best response will be a metaphorical version of a swift, simple jab delivered with matter-of-fact courage.
PISCES(Feb. 19March 20): In public restrooms everywhere, a new kind of sign has appeared in recent years. It says, "Janitors will no longer remove graffiti from the walls." I urge you to find such a place in the coming week, Pisces, because it's there, surrounded by a wealth of vulgar, cracked, and populist wisdom, that you will get the precise revelation you need to make the right decision; it's there you will see the exact writing on the wall that cuts to the heart of your confusion and breaks open an epiphany. You might also stumble upon other useful information in equally shabby environments. For a limited time only, divine reminders will come in unexpected forms.