'Underclassman'

Nope! I'm sorry, this won't do—not the murder-drug-bust plot, not the criminally pabulum high school "antics," not even Tracy "Tre" Stokes, the spunky bike cop turned undercover high schooler played by Nick Cannon. And really, Cannon's damn lucky this 95-minute flick's got 85 minutes of extreme-sports sequences; otherwise he may have had to do more than sleep through his character's trouble-with-authority pageantry. "Critics just don't understand," boy genius might plead, but no, we do, actually: British bliss czars, the doughnut-loving LAPD, and bitchin'-hot Spanish profs, no matter how many, how fat, or how bitchin' hot, can't make up for easy double entendres and zero character development.