By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
The best club musing, perusing, reminiscing, and dissing is on motherboardsnyc.com, CHI CHI VALENTI and JOHNNY DYNELL's site for sore thighs. (It's a four-year-old extension of the departed club Mother, with forums for trannies, goths, Gypsies, and goddesses.)
The best performance as a '70s Irish drag queen by someone best known for playing villains is done by the blue-eyed star of Red Eye, CILLIAN MURPHY, in NEIL JORDAN's upcoming, picaresque Breakfast on Pluto. At a New York Film Festival party for the movie at Gabriel's, Murphy told me he researched the part by hanging with London drag queens "and grooming, plucking, and shaving. I could understand why they develop such an acerbic wit. It's because everyone shouts epithets at them on the roadand all they want to do is look good!" Speaking of looking good, was the fetching red scarf he wore in some parts of Red Eye a warm-up for Pluto's drag? "Actually, I did Pluto first," he said. "But if you want to attach some meaning to the scarf, that's fine." Nah, I'd rather attach some sequins to it. Before he moved on, Murphy said he wants to do a play in New York, but he wouldn't specify what it was. Will it be a big smash? "Well, I'm not JULIA ROBERTS," he warned, smiling. (But he can be twice as lovely.)
The best thing about seeing Broadway's A Naked Girl on the Appian Way is the way the game audience keeps rolling in the aisles, even as the play vainly tries to shock us with incest, mixed-race relations, homosexuality, and a cursing old lady. Fortunately there are a couple of genuine laughs sprinkled into the labored boulevard comedy, but it was all much better and shorter when it was called The Goat.
The best cat theater from Russia is, big surprise, the Moscow Cats Theatre , a kitschy, low-budget, high-spirited Russian doll of a show, with a ruddy-faced ringleader wordlessly guiding some kooky felines through stunts like riding a glitter ball, walking parallel ropes, and clawing their way into your heart, where they'll no doubt turn backflips on the strings. Cutest of all, they don't sing any ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER tunes.
The best stage version of Saved by the Bell seen at Apocalypse Lounge was Bayside! The Un-Musical!, a formless fantasia of pills, pregnancies, feminism, and homosexuality, with RACHEL WITZ especially perfect as Screech.
And finally, the biggest tragedy of today's gays is . . . heck, nothing whatsoever. They're terrific!
Stars in my crown
Here are some celebrity bests I've so generously tracked down for you: CYNTHIA ROWLEY's favorite video store, she told me, grinning, is "HBO on demand." Composer PHILIP GLASS revealed to me that his favorite movie theater is "whatever is closest to my house" and his most favored restaurants are the similarly convenient Cremcaffe (65 Second Avenue), Atlas Café (73 Second Avenue), and Madras Café (79 Second Avenue). I guess he's the prisoner of Second Avenue. And that's all I got because I don't actually know any other celebs. I don't even know those two, but they were close to my house. M.M.