By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
TAURUS (April 20May 20): Curses abound. When we're children, our parents and relatives manipulate us into being different from what we naturally are. As we grow up, teachers and coaches regularly remind us of how we're not living up to their expectations. Meanwhile, the news media assaults us with relentless propaganda about how nasty and brutish life is, and storytellers in the entertainment industry barrage us with visions of the worst aspects of human nature. Finally, our enemies slip us their own unique brands of maledictions. That's the bad news, Taurus. The good news is that you now have unprecedented power to defuse the curses that have been cast on you. Follow your intuition to cleanse yourself of their insidious influence.
GEMINI (May 21June 20): Brazil's Ryoki Inoue may not be the best novelist in the world, but he's definitely the most prolific. He averages about 100 new works of pulp fiction every year. On one particularly creative day, it took him eight hours to churn out an entire 195-page story about crooked cops and drug dealers. He's your role model for the coming week, Gemini. Whatever your field of endeavor is, try to supercharge your productivity. The astrological omens suggest that not only can you do so, but also that it will be good for you to do so. Your other role model is Marcel Proust, who was one of history's best novelists. Be as fast as Inoue and as brilliant as Proust.
CANCER (June 21July 22): Five years ago, artist Dale Chihuly shipped 64 tons of Alaskan ice to Jerusalem. He used it to erect a giant wall in the place where the Arab and Jewish sections of the city joined. The desert heat melted his preposterous construction in three days. Treat this as an apt symbol for a situation that's going on in your vicinity, Cancerian. There is an improbable barrier between two parts of your life that should be connected. That barrier has now begun to collapse at a rapid rate, and will be gone soon as long as you and yours don't make a foolish attempt to try to shore it up.
LEO (July 23Aug. 22): Medieval language expert Alexandra Gillespie writes that "English is a bastard tongue, an unruly mix of corrupted Latin, Anglo-Saxon, French (in particular Middle Norman), Brythonic and Goidelic Gaelic, Welsh, and other forms of the Celtic tongues." In other words, the most widely used language on the planet was cobbled together from a hodgepodge of disparate influences. I hope that inspires you, Leo, to take full advantage of the mishmash you're nurturing. As you borrow and patch, appropriate and blend, scavenge and integrate, be mindful of the rich potentials inherent in your hybrid creation.
VIRGO (Aug. 23Sept. 22): It's high time for you to lose controlin the most constructive way possible, please. You can no longer afford to be as tightly wound as you've been lately. To get yourself in the mood for breakthroughs that will prevent breakdowns, consider carrying out some of the following acts. Finger paint on your TV screen. Dance on your bed, imitating a black bear that has drunk a bottle of vodka. Ask an intimate friend to use lipstick to write "I am inscrutable" on your belly. Have dinner with a person who makes you uncomfortable in an interesting way. Buy a bull penis walking stick at bumsteer.com and use it on a stroll to the corner store. Write candid confessional letters to people from whom you've been hiding an important truth, but don't mail the letters.
LIBRA (Sept. 23Oct. 22): In the estimation of many fashionistas, Libran rock singer Gwen Stefani is a style queen. The New Yorker recently put her on the cover of its fashion supplement, and she's at the top of many best-dressed lists. She doesn't fully enjoy the fruits of her success, though. "I still think of myself as a fat little dorky kid from Orange County desperately wanting to be cool," she told OK magazine. If Stefani called me up for a consultation right now, I'd tell her what I'll say to you: This is a perfect astrological moment to use your willpower, your imagination, and your sense of humor to shed your old self-imagesespecially those that are acutely at odds with the reality of the person you have become.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23Nov. 21): I used to have a Scorpio friend who liked to spout the ecstatic mystic poetry of Rumi. (Sometimes he added his own rapturous improvisations, and so I was never sure where Rumi left off and his words began.) Since you're currently in a phase when the potential for euphoric release and delirious catharsis are high, I've selected five of these quotes that are in alignment with your astrological omens. (1) "Close your eyes and see with your other eyes." (2) "If you want to be held, open up your arms." (3) "Quit acting like wolves and let the shepherd's love fill you." (4) "We're not here to seek approval but disgrace and celebration." (5) "Let the beauty you love be what you do."
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22Dec. 21): I suggest you find a way to study the behavior of predators without exposing yourself to danger. You'll really benefit from being in an impregnable safety zone as you take a close look at creatures that are dominated by their lust for power. Why? Knowing more about these types will allow you to protect yourself from them in the future, especially if there ever comes a time when you're not so well insulated. And right now is the perfect astrological moment to study them risk-free.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22Jan. 19): To be completely aligned with cosmic rhythms in the coming weeks, you'd arrange for rose petals to be thrown at you each time you opened a door. A gourmet cook would provide a steady stream of tastes you've never experienced before. A great band or chamber orchestra would come to your home to play for the best party you've ever thrown. A friend would read you stories that deepened your appreciation for how courageous you've been in dealing with your own struggles. And you would enlist the services of your own royal fool, who'd be responsible for telling you jokes, identifying incongruities, and keeping you flexible.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20Feb. 18): You cannot possibly accomplish anything good by force right now. Your strengths may temporarily become liabilities, and you'll have to exercise your talents with profound humility in order to keep from going astray. To achieve success, you've got to renounce all your definitions of success and open your mind to previously unimaginable new definitions. You also must become as fluid as a water snake, as sensitive as a psychotherapist advising a beloved patient, and as free as a woman who has just given birth.
PISCES (Feb. 19March 20): "Who can convince the sea to be reasonable?" asks poet Pablo Neruda in The Book of Questions. Here's my answer: If anyone can do it, you can. For the next two weeks, your powers of persuasion will be almost supernaturally strong. Furthermore, you'll be able to achieve a mind meld with elemental forces of nature like wind, fire, and rivers. Further furthermore, you'll have the power to achieve a state of such transcendental lucidity that you will flirt with the ability to see things the way the Goddess does. I hereby dub you the "sea whisperer."