By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
I read nothing except the criminal news and the agony column," Sherlock Holmes once mused. Personal adswhat the British call the "agony column"were, Doyle's detective observed, "surely the most valuable hunting ground that was ever given to a student of the unusual!" They lacked a modern-day Sherlock to decipher their intricaciesbut no longer, thanks to Sara Bader's new Strange Red Cow and Other Curious Classified Ads From the Past(Clarkson Potter).
America's first classified ad appeared in 1704, seeking "Two Iron Anvils" lost by their owner. This begs the question: How do you lose an anvil? But classifieds thrived from that odd beginning, evolving into rhymed tradesmen ads, help-wanteds, barter ads, andinevitablythe first personals ad in 1759. But among the quaint ads seeking a woman "who must love a mustache" or lost livestocke.g., the "strange red cow" of the book's titleyou soon find notices like this in 1804: "Stop the Runaway.FIFTY DOLLARS REWARD. Eloped from the subscriber, living near Nashville, on the 25th of June last, a Mulatto Man Slave . . . ten dollars extra [reward], for every hundred lashes, any person will give him, to the amount of three hundred."
The cruel master who placed that ad? Andrew Jackson. The future president was not alone; Bader also reproduces runaway-slave newspaper ads by Washington in 1761 and Jefferson in 1769. Lost-and-found ads always give a telltale account of an era: After the Civil War one finds ads for missing lockets bearing the snips of hair of the departed, though sometimes other pieces went missing too. An 1866 Boston Evening Transcript carries the plea "LOSTOn the Common, on the 23rd ult, an ARTIFICIAL HAND." Bader also finds a surprising numbereven one should be a surprising numberof Found ads for money. One advertiser seems so conscience stricken that he placed this ad in 1849, four years after finding the money: "FOUND, FOUR DOLLARS, WHILE LEAVING THE CARS at Paterson, in the summer of 1845."
But the enduring charm of classifieds has always lain in the personals. Not everyone was impressed: Missed Connection and I Saw You ads seemed just as faintly pathetic to Mark Twain in 1867 as they do today. "There seems to be a pack of wooden-headed louts about this town," he snapped, "who fall in love with every strumpet who smiles a flabby smile at them in a street car, and forthwith they pop a personal into the Herald."
The personals can also be a graveyard of romance; one uncovered by Bader from an 1862 [New York] Sunday Mercury reads:
"X.Z.IF YOU MUST HAVE A REASON why I refuse you, understand, then that I cannot marry a man who wears soiled linen, has foul teeth and breath, and uses tobasco and whisky. Faugh!"
Sometimes the ad is the literal headstone of romance: Bader recounts the tale of Belle Gunness, a Norwegian woman who lured at least a dozen men and women to shallow backyard graves through personals in turn-of-the-century Indiana. She appears to have absconded and lived for perhaps another three decades in L.A., one suspects after permanenty ending the loneliness of California men through her nickel-a-word murder weapon.
Strange Red Cow is a book of American ads: The mind reels at the possibilities if anyone were to compile a companion volume of British ones. As early as 1843 a writer for the Edinburgh Review was digging up such agony column gems as "IF WILLIAM will return to his affectionate parents, he shall not be snubbed by his sister, and be allowed to sweeten his own tea." Tea was no small matter over there; another ad simply read "TO M.N.If you don't choose to come back, please to return the key of the tea-caddy."
Pore over the classified columns in old British papersand I recommend that you bring both a strong pair of reading glasses and a strong pair of eyeballs to the taskand you start discovering the news beneath the news, the vast depths of unplumbed minutiae. In the 1790s, for instance, we find tutoring in "The Digitalian Language," apparently a fad for hand signaling among fashionable ladiesone imagines Georgian women throwing gang signs at each other. I've never found the phrase again in any other source. If only the man who placed the ad were still responding to enquiries at No. 11 St. Clement's Churchyard . . . but no. The ad is all we have now, a tantalizing hint of a forgotten past.
Other ads, though, are reassuring in their timelessness. Sick of your landlord? Then read this ad from 1816:
"WANTED IMMEDIATELY, to enable me to leave the House which I have for these last five years inhabited, in the same plight and condition in which I found it, 500 LIVE RATS, for which I will gladly pay the sum of L.5 Sterling; and, as I cannot leave the Farm attached thereto in the same order as I got it without at least Five Millions of Docks, Dockens (weeds), I do hereby promise a further sum of L.5 sterling for said number of Dockens. . . .
N.B. The Rats must be full grown, and no cripples."