La Dolce Musto

Trapped in Canada, nightclub kingpin PETER GATIEN—who was convicted of tax evasion—might try to get back into the States via some kooky loophole, with the help of his daughter Jennifer. I hear he's supposedly part Native American, which they're hoping will mean he can't be thrown out of the U.S.A., the land he helped create (or destroy, depending on your point of view).


MADONNA may want to stay in the U.K. when she hears MURRAY HILL's been telling the crowd at Mo Pitkin's, "She's 85! I don't want to see her cameltoe anymore!" (Nah, bring it on; Madonna's still got it big-time, even with King Kong–like airbrushing.) But we do want to see every inch of Murray's guest star that night, BRIDGET EVERETT, who mesmerizingly flailed into the audience while wailing songs about her wide vagina and stalkery behavior. The big girl is a large talent—picture WYNONNA JUDD meets MELISSA ETHERIDGE via the local bar floozy, on a rocket ship out of Twin Peaks.

In other outsize news, now that the fabulous JENNIFER HUDSON of American Idol fame has nabbed the role of Effie in the Dreamgirls film, I vaguely remember that a year ago she already had designs on the part, telling me she was desperate to star in a stage production. "But you're too skinny for Effie. You've got to play Deena," I assured her, flattering her only a little. (She's not Jessica Alba, but she's not Godzilla either.) "No other role but Effie!" insisted Hudson, who ended up getting all she wanted and then some. Either she'll be the least voluminous Effie in history or she's sucking in the fudge as we speak.

Finally, White Trash Debutantes dream girl GINGER COYOTE came to town to promote Tweek City, which she told me is "wholesome fare for the entire family." What film about the downward spiral of a small-time speed dealer isn't? And it became peek city when she got to see the star's exposed penis—a lot—seeing as he freely flaunted it on-screen and off. Apparently it's so huge it could play Effie.

Litter Box


Huffman, all woman
photo: Weinstein Company
KATHIE LEE GIFFORD's face looks amazing these days. Did Santa come early this year? . . . Moving on to real women, Henrietta Hudson is still the best hot-looking- bagel-bumper hangout at which to cruise and peruse. Just don't lean against the scoring blackboard near the pool table; I wiped out all the names, and the dykes are still after me . . . Completing the female spectrum, Desperate Housewives' FELICITY HUFFMAN plays a transsexual in the upcoming mixed-bag film Transamerica, and at first I thought she was way too tasteful and subdued to register as anywhere approaching convincing. The trannies I know are generally good-time gals who run around screaming "Ay, papi! My pussy's on fire!" while shaking tambourines and singing Madonna songs. But then I remembered having met some transsexuals of the type that want to pass for women (which they are) and do so with subtle body language and light makeup. Felicity nailed it . . . Another woman has been bending, namely FERGIE, whose look and demeanor in the "My Humps" video remind one reader of CANDIS CAYNE circa '96 . . . In yet one more switcheroo, I hear that in the currently filming The Good Shepherd, MATT DAMON does a scene where he plays the buxom boat lady Buttercup in a Whiffenpoofs production of H.M.S. Pinafore. How perfect—Gilbert and Sullivan were the original Matt and Ben.


The other Madonna gets her due in the Radio City Christmas show, which—until the famous climactic procession of wildlife and solemnity—is as eye-poppingly slap happy as ever. I’ve seen this gorgeous spectacle for so many years that I now bend along with the wooden soldiers, chew my cud along with the camel, and wait for the musicians strike to settle to even sit down. Having done so, I’m now starting to catch new nuances, like when the man in the moon looks down at the high-kicking Rockettes and makes leering, appreciative faces. That’s now vaulted past the Raggedy Ann fantasia, Santa jazz number, and the mini Nutcracker thingie to become my second favorite moment in the show. (Sorry, humanfolk, but the camel’s still tops.)

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