By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
Dec 11, Medieval Sculpture Hall at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, 1000 Fifth Ave, 212-570-3949
'Red Hot Holiday Stomp'
Wynton's Crescent City Christmas card always makes the cut at my house during holiday time. This show looks to be a live update of the same. Second-lining through "Sleigh Ride" could be a thrill, and I bet the teamwhich includes Wycliffe Gordon, Joe Temperly, Victor Goines, and banjo player Don Vappiewill put a little Preservation Hall polyphony on the book. They also plan to romp through pieces by that "Spanish Tinge" Santa, Jellyroll Morton. MACNIE
'Twas the Night Before the Twelve Days of a Nutcracker Christmas Carol'
In Ken Nintzel's last piece, Lapse, he used a Hallmark's worth of crepe centerpieces and paper chains to depict a year in the life of a coma patient. Though he's now concentrating exclusively on Christmas, this show recombines several seasons worth of holiday song and lore. SOLOSKI
Dec 15 through 25, PS122, 150 First Ave, 212-352-3101
'Jewish Soul Celebration'
With popular songs like "Go Down Moses" and "Observant Jew," Joshua Nelson, the self-described Prince of Kosher Gospel Music, hopes to "spearhead a new revolution in Jewish liturgical" tunes. In a womanly voice, he performs a combination of soul, klezmer, and prayerit's the sound of "suffering speckled with joy." AVIV
Dec 17, Symphony Space, 2537 Bway, 212-864-5400
Sometime this December (the organizers are very secretive), more than 400 men and women, dressed as Santas, will wander drunkenly through the streets "for absolutely no reason whatsoever." Go to santacon.com to keep track of this "not-for-profit, non-political, non-religious, and non-logical Santa Claus convention." AVIV
TBA, various venues, santacon.com
'The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players . . . on Ice!'
Those few who believe slide shows are the province of sleepy, high school biology classes or glassy-eyed evenings at Grandpa's have clearly never seen a Trachtenburg Family show. In these incomparably indie evenings, Dad sings, Mom runs the slide carousel, and nine-year-old Rachel drums and narrates. Occasionally, there are cupcakes. This latest incarnation features holiday-themed visuals and live skating. SOLOSKI
Dec 18 through 23, P.S.122, 150 First Ave, 212-352-3101
"You will love itit's totally your kind of music, that hard metal stuff . . . but you know, for Christmas!" says Mom. She may be way off on what you like, but there could be far worse ways to experience a holiday musical. Created by heavy-metal producer Paul O'Neill, TSO is the Polar Express of rock operas, tailor-made for prog-metal lovers, aging rockers, kids, and any/all fans of showy Broadway spectacles. Expect exuberantly electrified Christmas songs aplenty, especially tunes from their most recent, The Lost Christmas Eve. BOSLER
Dec 19, Madison Square Garden, Seventh Ave & 32nd, 212-465-MSG1
'The Beat Goes On: A Rock 'n' Glitter Xmas'
Favorite local musicians including Willie Nile ( Beautiful Wreck of a World), Don Fleming, actor-singer Carlton Smith, folk duo the Kennedys, and surprise guests take the stage to perform some classic holiday ditties from the Yule logoops, catalogof rockers, including the Ramones, the Pretenders, Paul McCartney, XTC, James Brown, and much more. ABER
Dec 21, B.B King Blues Club & Grill, 237 W 42nd, 212-997-4144, bbkingblues.com
Santa Claus Is Coming Out, or How the Gay Agenda Came Down My Chimney'
Historically, Santa makes lists of naughty and nice, rather than straight and gay. But Jeffrey Solomon puts the "ho, ho, ho" in homosexuality in this one-man show, in which a boy's wish for a doll somehow outs Santa. (What will Mrs. Claus say?) SOLOSKI
Dec 21 through 23, Queens Theatre in the Park, Flushing MeadowCorona Park, Qns, 718-760-0064
Sledding at Riverside Park
Sledding is rarely as fun as it's supposed to besnow mysteriously sneaks up your sleeves, or down your boots, and the walk up the hill is too long. If you insist on trying, the slopes at Riverside Park are the steepest (far better than Central Park), and some even have what enthusiasts call "moguls" (e.g., bumps, sticks, rocks). Enter at 91st or 108th for the best ride. AVIV
Riverside Park at 91st or 108th
Small talk and desperate jokes come more easily when you're a Jew on Christmas Eve. Hosted by the Society of Young Jewish Professionals, this party is good for '80s tunes, kosher sandwiches, and drunken, desperate coupling. Gentiles can join too. AVIV
Dec 24, Capitale, 130 Bowery, 888-633-5326
Wave Hill Conservatory
Like a giant sauna with flowers, the Wave Hill Conservatory is a comforting place to go when the weather begins to dip below freezing. With temperatures around 80 degrees, you can simultaneously walk, talk, and look at nature without having to constantly adjust all your baggy winter clothes. AVIV
Wave Hill Conservatory, 675 W 252nd, Bx 718-549-3200
'Chinese Food and a Movie on Christmas Day: Born to Be Wilder'
Watching movies (doing anything) is always better while sporadically and thoughtlessly snacking. Making good on the most beloved of Jewish clichés, Makor hosts a Christmas evening of unlimited Chinese food in the movie theater. The center will screen Young Frankensteinand Silver Streak, starring Gene Wilder (born Jerome Silberman), and director Billy Wilder's Some Like It Hot and The Apartmentperfect pick-me-ups for an otherwise lonely day. AVIV