By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Back on Broadway, crossing The Color Purple with the musical genre is a little akin to turning War and Peace into a sitcom. But the show's creators have taken the potentially unwieldy material and come up with something that, while admittedly a mess and way too soft, has a lovely homemade feel and a gigantic heart for something so large of budget. And Purple turns lavender with a lusty lezzie bathtub scene, which eventually leads to a kiss (nervous titters from the audience) followed by a delighted grin from Miss Celie (full-out applause). So straight men will love this showthough my theater queen spies say that about a month ago, Shug was noticeably more demonstrative with Miss Celie, wouldn't you know.
CONCESSIONS ON A DANCEFLOOR
While we're mixing the straights and the gays, Happy Valley's SUSANNE BARTSCH/KENNY KENNY bash on Tuesdays is the most crazy-fresh club party ever. And THE MISSHAPES play the best dance song ever"Sorry" by Miss hairy patch. And they do it from the best DJ booth evera big, hollowed-out disco ball that looks like a giant eye made of sequins. And they have the hottest bartender ever, ROBERTO. And I'm on all fours barking like a dog forever.
Slithering on all fours over to the same night's Beige, where cute boys flirt with themselves, I have to report that a love connection was finally made. A straight gal I brought hit it off with one of the go-go boys, who was the only other hetero in the joint. Sick!
I saw no straights at Spirit on gay Sunday, but I did catch a skinny white queen singing in piercingly high octaves and telling the crowd, "I want to thank JUNIOR VASQUEZ for believing in a skinny white queen!"
You're welcome. Now everyone please pick up your clothes on the way out.
Last year, before exVillage People star VICTOR WILLIS's recent criminal woes, Willis already seemed in need of help. He was spotted by a friend of mine on a San Francisco street, hawking clothes he said belonged to his ex-wife PHYLICIA RASHAD. The asking price? Fifty cents!
You want higher class behavin'? At a City Harvest benefit at English Is Italian, I showed Queer Eye's TED ALLEN how to lick something called a shrimp-and-lobster lollipop and he wisely said, "It would be unseemly if I ate it like that." (That sums up my lifewhile I'm doing obscene things with food, others are being dignified and using fancy words.) You want sex on a stick? Blactress RUPAUL is doing a movie as her old Star Booty character, and I hear drag legend LAHOMA's come out of "vacation" to be part of it. (Says Lahoma, "How could I ever turn down a hooker role where I get to flag down cars in terrible wigs with my ass hanging out?") You want more, whore? For JULIAN SCHNABEL's film version of JEAN NATHAN's book The Secret Life of the Lonely Dollabout children's author Dare Wright and her daring mamaI hear they wouldn't mind NAOMI WATTS and JESSICA LANGE. Perfectthey already have that King Kong connection.
Chopping off that king dong? Well, some trannies are complaining that the FELICITY HUFFMAN film Transamerica doesn't reflect the fact that for a long period before your operation, you've got to lay off the hormones. But try them on again. I hear Logo is developing a gay dating show. Yay, more boyfriends for everyone to avoid sex clubs with!