By Albert Samaha
By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
It's time for the eagerly unawaited year-end awards column, which, like everything from Million Dollar Baby to War of the Worlds to The March of the Penguins, will be narrated by the mellifluous tones of MORGAN FREEMAN. Or it would have been had he not been busy narrating the upcoming feature War of the Million Dollar Baby Penguins. So let's forgo narration and simply dive into 2005's best and skankiest in fabulous awfulness and rotten-assed bliss. The voiceover-free (and glory-exempt) FELIX AWARDS go to . . .Worst feel-good euphemism of the modern age: "He transitioned." Pleasehe croaked! Dropped dead! Kicked the giant KFC bucket! Went 6,000 feet under! Is pushing up rotted daisies! Turned off the night-light! And he won't be a-comin' back! Learn it, face it, and move on, oh differently mentally abled person. Biggest disappointments: JUDE LAW cheated with the nanny, then burnt SIENNA welcomed the bastard back; JACKO jurors declared the star not guilty then suddenly started wondering otherwise; the pope transitioned, then they appointed a new one. Kidding! I love the new onehe's great copy.
The most common use of drag queens this week is in Christmasy cabaret shows where they vamp around as Gay-101-style divas while skewering holiday sanctimony. At Dont Tell Mama, A Very Bette Christmas romps through all the expected jokes as a BETTE DAVIS TV runthrough goes awry, but TOMMY FEMIA makes a zesty Davis, especially when asked if being famous has its drawbacks. "Being a NOBODY has its drawbacks," he screeches.
Over at the D-Lounge, there's another faded diva acting the bitch in one more screwed-up-TV-special premise with DAREN FLEMING's Merry Christmas! Love the Cherries (costarring ShaBoomBoom). It's a DIANA ROSS and the Supremes spoof with sparkles, backstabbing, and a two-drink minumum.
And though I haven't seen A Broadway Diva Christmaswhich shockingly features biological womenI hear CHRISTINE PEDI impersonates virtually everyone when she sings "The 12 Divas of Christmas"; the audience picks names out of a hat for her to do on command. I'd love to see "SHIRLEY PARTRIDGE in a pear tree"!
Pop diva CYNDI LAUPER's Broadway possibilities have long been talked about, with murmurs that she may have been up for the most recent go-round of Little Shop of Horrors, then reports that she was passed over for the current Sweeney Todd revival. Well, now a talkinbroadway.com poster claims that Lauper's in talks to replace EDIE FALCO (who stepped down) as Jenny in the Roundabout's upcoming Threepenny Opera production. If so, the Weimar republic will have never been such fun.