By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
Dripping with even more unlikely machismo, I judged the M.E.A.N.Y. Fest finals at CBGB, sucking in the Thai buffet before taking in the seven competing bands over four loud hours. I effen stuck it out even as one of the musicians tried to bribe me with drinks, a judge kept moaning that one of the bands was "too old," and a lead singer told the crowd, "Thanks for packing this place from wall to wall. Bring on the fire hazard. We'll all die and burn up together!" The winners were the ones who'd dressed like the Beatles, getting major points just for having heard of them.
In news related to a real communal disaster, a reader from New Orleans assures me that all is not lost down there, especially if you're partial to hunks with capable tools. In fact, as he wrote me, "Some enterprising porno producer should come down and do an epic starring the virile young roofers who are all over town these days. You scan the skies and see nothing but bare-chested, bicep-rippling studs and studlets tearing off tar paper and tiles, wearing as little as possible." Honey, I'll be right down to help!
Go tell it on the mountain
But first help me appreciate something: Is anyone else loving the irony of the fact that while KATIE HOLMES's ambition might be showing, it's her Dawson's Creek co-star MICHELLE WILLIAMS who, through your basic work ethic, landed in and got raves for the year's best-reviewed smash, the closet-gay romance Brokeback Mountain?
I'll exit with a marital near-miss about Broadway legend ELAINE STRITCH. A source swore to me that Stritch recently brought a bunch of her old bras to a shop to be fixed (no, I have no idea) and in the process blurted the news that she has remarried. She even sent out crates of English muffinssupposedly baked by her new manas a whole-grain holiday gift. Well, I asked around and learned there's no new man at allthe woman always sends out muffins, made by her late husband's family. I'd have asked Stritchie herself for the whole story, but like CHITA RIVERA, I'm scared a huh!
I recently spotted adorable MINNIE DRIVER shopping in the basement of Kmart. Can you believe it? That I shop at Kmart? . . . The not so adorable PETER BRAUNSTEIN must be played by ROBERT DOWNEY JR. if he must be played at all . . . And while we're playing, the unspeakably cute drag queen names I printed a few weeks ago prompted all kinds of people to write in with their own saucy suggestions: Taylor Law, Celine Solution, Farrah Moansand for a drag king, Dick Cutoff.
Whatever you call me, I am going to be a correspondent on ROCCO DISPIRITO's show on WOR! Yayanother weekly opportunity to be wildly expressive and have fun, fun, fun! Oh, wait, he just walked because they wanted him to stick to the food talk rather than do a freewheeling show laden with gossip and entertainment? OK, I am not going to be a correspondent on Rocco DiSpirito's show! . . . Some might get appetized looking at the Ice Age 2: The Meltdown poster for the JOHN LEGUIZAMO character, Sid the sloth. It inadvertently (I assume) makes the creature's right foot look like a dangling penis. And suddenly this becomes a must-see sequel. But what's with the beavers, as it were, in Narnia? They don't even flinch when they're chatting with the kids, who are all decked out in beaver coats. God, I hate self-loathing rodents.
Star magazine recently ran some of my illustrious celebrity predictions for the new year, but here comes the special DVD version where I include a few that didn't see daylight.
Which celebrity will get pregnant in 2006? Lindsay Lohan. But you won't hear about it.
Which celebrity will have the biggest comeback in 2006? Joan Collins, with a reality show called "I'm Not a Bitch, I Just Play One on TV!"
Which celebrity will have a full-on meltdown in 2006? Teri Hatcher. With Felicity Huffman's oncoming Oscar bid, it will all be too much for poor Teri to take. Expect lots of on-set demands, flying objects, and effigy burnings.
Which two celebrities will start dating in 2006? Anna Nicole Smith and Robert Evans.
Which celebrity will get arrested? Colin Farrell for indecent exposure.
Which celebrities will become engaged in a new feud? Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger will clash over an androgynous country star.
Which celebrity will become a new fashion icon? Lourdes Ciccone will launch a junior kabbalah line.
Which celebrity will get scary skinny? Star Jones. Only her head will keep swelling.
Which celebrity will become fat? Gwyneth Paltrow. When she isn't Oscar nominated for Proof, she will dive into the cupcake tin and end up looking like her character in Shallow Hal.
Which married couple will divorce in 2006? Elton John and David Furnish, thereby proving gay people truly want everything straights have.
Will Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn make it to Valentine's Day? Please. They won't even make it to Lincoln's birthday.