By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Magic oils, two bitchy women, and staying clear of diet saboteurs are just a few of the joys waiting for you in this season's diet books.
How do the rich get thin? According to Dr. Janus Klauer, author of How the Rich Get Thin, it's by not listening to saboteursthat is, those ill-intentioned people, such as friends or relatives, who express concern as your weight dips into the double digits. Klauer writes:
"One of the challenges in sticking to this program or any other, is dealing with the well-meaning 'saboteurs' who are at the ready to steer you off course. . . . The girlfriend who complains that you are 'getting too thin,' or the well-meaning relative who says that you are 'just skin and bones.' DON'T LISTEN TO THEM."
"You are a total moron if you think the Atkins Diet will make you thin."
"Exercise, you lazy shit."
"Don't be a fat pig anymore."
"So, yeah, if you want to get skinny, you've got to be a vegetarian someone who doesn't eat dead animals or seafood. Quit whining."
Dr. Connie Guttersen, the author of The Sonoma Diet, has an innovative approach to weight loss: convince readers that an apple is more pleasurable than a potato chip. Who is she kidding? Clearly she hasn't had Ruffles cheddar cheese and sour cream. She writes:
"Trust us, the crunch of a cool fresh apple is a far richer delight than the crunch of the twentieth potato chip. The taste and feel of a steamy cod fillet melting in your mouth is much more sensuous than anything artery-clogging butter can offer. The chewy taste experience of whole grain bread or cereal goes way beyond the compulsive, rote experience of gobbling down white crackers or sugar-laden cereal."
All you need to lose weight, according to the authors of The Coconut Diet, is coconut oil. It's nice to know weight loss has returned to the hard science of magic potions. Here's the pitch:
"Healthy, trim, energetic and alive! That's what you can be when you make The Coconut Diet your weight loss secret. With coconut oil, you can watch the pounds melt away. This secret ingredient has promoted great weight loss success for many, many people."
"If you're like many women, you up the ante . . . during the 10 days to two weeks before your period, gobbling an additional 20 per cent of calories from fat and sugar."
So there you have it. Quit your friends, your period, your faith in science, and your carnivorous waysall you need to know to be really thin or really unhappy in 2006.