By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
The nominees will be: Dench, Huffman, Knightley, Witherspoon, Zhang
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Here we have a slew of veteransand JAKE GYLLENHAALdoing their craggy but lovable thing in order to gruffly endear the voters. We got us some GEORGE CLOONEY, Syriana (he gained weight, plus he directed Good Night, and Good Luck, plus he was cute on Roseanne); MATT DILLON, Crash (he still makes my motor rev); DON CHEADLE, Crash (he's the one who wasn't Matt Dillon); BOB HOSKINS, Mrs. Henderson Presents (though I feel his cornball shtick should probably get a Razzie); WILLIAM HURT, A History of Violence (managed to sneak incestuous hints into his brotherly rage); ED HARRIS, A History of Violence (one eye was poked out by barbed wire, but the other one did great); PAUL GIAMATTI, Cinderella Man (it's not too soon to make up for Sideways); DANIEL CRAIG, Munich (the name's Craig. Daniel Craig); GEOFFREY RUSH, Munich (the name's Sellers. Peter Sellers); CLIFTON COLLINS JR., Capote (he slayed two fruitsTruman and moi); FRANK LANGELLA, Good Night, and Good Luck (his Paley was even more imposing than his impaler in Dracula); and of course Mr. Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain (if he's supporting, then I'm RACHEL MCADAMS, but that's what they're promoting him as, so let's ease their pain and go along with it).
The nominees will be: Clooney, Dillon, Giamatti, Gyllenhaal, Langella
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
The choicest choices seem to include ladies playing scorned babes and vengeful bitches, just the way we like 'em, though some were better at it than others. Among the most hopeful are MICHELLE WILLIAMS, Brokeback Mountain (the role made you expect heart-wrenching histrionics and critics generously assumed she provided that); CATHERINE KEENER, Capote (conversely, her part didn't go much of anywhere, but she imbued it with lots of life, plus she was in everything else this year from The Interpreter to The 40-Year-Old Virgin); various people from Pride & Prejudice (one of whom is the director's girlfriend); MARIA BELLO, A History of Violence (it's not too soon to make up for The Cooler); FRANCES MCDORMAND, North Country (it's not her fault it tanked); SHIRLEY MACLAINE, In Her Shoes (she almost hijacked the film and turned it into In Her Orthopedic Shoes); GONG LI, Geisha (similarly, she made this into The Gong Show); Scarlett Johansson, Match Point (the ball's in Oscar's court); RACHEL WEISZ, The Constant Gardener (maybe she'll wear her Frank-N-Furter getup again); AMY ADAMS, Junebug (let's hope her chances don't get swatted); ANNE HATHAWAY, Brokeback Mountain (if only the award was for best hairdo).
The nominees will be: Adams, Bello, Keener, Weisz, Williams
I don't even care to speculate on what will be nominated here, but I do have to say I'm fed up with all those tunes written expressly for the closing credits just so they'll get noticed by the academy. These slipshod excuses for music serve to accelerate your journey to the exit so they can refill the theater while nabbing that nomination, which they always irritatingly manage to do, as if by law. Otherwise, this whole Oscar process is completely ethical and supremely worthy of your time and energy. Come on, we all know how important and life-changing a nomination can be. (Sophie what's her name, anyone?) See you on the 31st when the nominations come out. I'll be in intensive care.
By the way, the Golden Globes were such a joyous, self-congratulatory wallow in Hollywood's love of all things gayon screen, that isbut where was CYNTHIA NIXON's real-life girlfriend? Tied up in an attic somewhere with MARY CHENEY's?
As for the upcoming year's most attention-seeking Oscar contender, maybe it'll be the untitled-as-of-yet project BAZ LUHRMANN is working on. In keeping with the current mania for cute critters, it involves lots and lots of cows! A friend of mine recently dined with Baz and tells me the director seemed udderly smitten with the lead bovine babe. Moo, I mean true story.
Meanwhile, a much thinner creature, MADONNA, is doing the sure-to-be-awards-bound video for the fabulously catchy "Sorry," which I hear will involve her bouncing out of a Pimp-A-Ride van with tons of dancers and proceeding to roller skate into your mind. She's kabbalah on wheels!
But let me glide back to the Golden Globes and recover two more buried memories. I adored it when the Desperate Housewives crew ran up to accept an award and during a lull in the big guys' speechifying, TERI HATCHER broke from the backup line, skedaddled over to the mike, and blurted a non-witticism as FELICITY HUFFMAN threw her the most withering look since the Vanity Fair shoot. Me-ouch!
And in the pre-show, it was interesting when QUEEN LATIFAH told ISAAC MIZRAHI that she was in love with someone, but wanted to keep the person's identity a secret. That seemed to be hinting at some kind of revelation, but then, when Mizrahi asked who in the crowd she might have a crush on, she heterosexually declared, "George Clooney!" There were so many levels of weirdness to that remark that I'm doing the Felicity Huffman look as we speak.