By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Let's never zip up BARRY Z, the cable interviewer with unexpected questions like "Why did you call the movie Capote?" Barry recently taped something at the NAPTE convention for JAY LENO's "Pitch to America" segment, proposing a show called Body Parts of the Rich and Famous. "We'll have JOAN RIVERS's cellulite and Michael Jackson's nose," Barry told me, excitedly. Which ones? . . . The most unusual other TV-land development, whispers say, is that JAY BAKKER, TAMMY FAYE's grace-espousing punk preacher son, will be the center of a Sundance channel observational-documentary series (you know, reality show) done by the World of Wonder team that brought you Transgeneration . . . The best Freudian slip camouflaged as an illiterate remark that I heard a Fox News Channel anchor say in the last few weeks was JOHN KASICH's on-air comment, "I'm not here to be a shrill for any administration!" . . . Anyone acting shrill on the big screen? Well, a queen at the aforementioned Duvet cornered me to shriek, "I just saw Brokeback Mountain and I thought HEATH LEDGERcame off like BILLY BOB THORNTON in Sling Blade!" (Or maybe Kelli O'Hara in The Light in the Piazza.)
Truly retarded, Pop Bitchthe British douche, I mean dish sitejust ripped me off faster than I can hide my coat in Larry Tee's DJ booth to avoid the "mandatory" three-dollar cloakroom charge. They ran an item called "Big Questions: What people are asking this week" and bizarrely enough only included one such question, a blind item about a sizzling gay affair, lifted directly from my column. Big question: Why?
At Happy Valley, I put a more penetrating query to drag presence TOBELL VON CARTIER, who'd just had a birthday party at PAT FIELD's house: How old are you? "I'm fine," she responded, blithely . . . At the same happy boîte, a guy swore to me that KENNETH COLEis looking for influential New Yorkers to put on billboards as part of his next campaign and I've been enthusiastically pitched to him. Here's a shocker, Kenneth: I'm available!
I'm also stunningly resourceful. Last week, I noted that a LADY BUNNYjoke"How does CLAY AIKEN remove a condom? He farts!"might not be applicable anymore since the American Idol runner-up's supposed Internet hookup said the singer is a top and didn't use condoms. (Clay's record-company flack had no comment when we asked.) Well, I begged you all to submit new Clay jokes to take that one's place rather than let icky behavior shatter all our cheap yuks, and you came through like raunchy bottoms. But the hands-up, I mean hands-down winner is the delightfully cynical TIMOTHY KIRK, who graciously supplied all these wowsers:
"How does Clay Aiken clean off after sex? With a green beret." "Why was Clay Aiken never circumcised? Because there is no end to that schmuck. (Talk about the 'Measure of a Man'!)" "What did Clay say while shoving his member in JOHN PAULUS's ass? 'This is the Night'." "Why wouldn't Clay eat after performing on American Idol? He had a little Ruben backstage." "Why won't Clay go to Chelsea? Because Chelsea's a girl."
And finallyrim queen, I mean rim shot"Why won't Clay use a condom?" And the punchline? "Ewwww," says Kirk. "There's no joke. He is just a creepy thing who shouldn't be allowed to fuck real queers anyway." Point taken.