By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
ARIES(March 21April 19): Dung beetles were considered sacred and lucky by the ancient Egyptians. In fact, the seemingly lowly insect, also known as a scarab, was worshipped as a symbol of transformation and resurrection, in part because it derives its nourishment from the waste matter of other animals. Since it also pushes balls of dung to its nest, it was thought to resemble the god Ra rolling the sun through the heavens. During the coming week, Aries, the scarab will be your power animal. May it inspire you to turn crap into treasure as you're reborn from the deadness of the past.
TAURUS(April 20May 20): It took an Englishwoman named Venida Crabtree 33 years to learn how to drive. She failed her first driving test at age 17 but never gave up trying. Last year she finally succeeded, getting her first license at the age of 50. She's your role model, Taurus. There's a good chance that like her, you will soon be able to master a task or reach a goal that you've been plugging away at forever.
GEMINI(May 21June 20): I'm here at San Francisco's Samovar Tea Lounge to meditate on your horoscope. I've decided that the beverage most likely to put me in the right mood is Monkey-Picked Iron Goddess of Mercy tea. That's because my analysis of your astrological omens reveals that there'll be something both steely and soft about your immediate future, both willful and delicate. "Iron Goddess of Mercy" is an apt metaphor for the influences you should seek. Furthermore, I suspect you'll need the intervention of an agile and vibrant animal energy, which is suggested by the "Monkey-Picked" aspect of the tea. Using the Samovar menu as a divinatory tool for generating even more oracular information, I've come up with three additional phrases to capture the quality of your life in the coming days: velvety nuances of roasted chestnuts and eucalyptus, tastes that are zealously smoky yet gossamer and satiny, and not for the sinless.
CANCER(June 21July 22): As a Cancerian, you're sometimes prone to indulging in pathological levels of self-sufficiency. You can get into the bad habit of making it hard for people to give you emotional support, constructive feedback, and plain old ordinary gifts. That's why I hesitate to say anything that might encourage you to get into a woe-is-me, I-have-to-do-everything-myself mode of heroic martyrdom. Nevertheless, I've decided to take that risk. To achieve the breakthrough that's now available, you may have to take what Ernest Hemingway described as the path to greatness: Push yourself "far out past where you can go, out to where no one can help you."
LEO(July 23Aug. 22): This would be an excellent time for you to create your own personal religion, complete with rituals, prayers, and divinities that fit your precise needs. Feel free to borrow extensively from various spiritual traditions, of course, but make sure you give each belief or practice your own unique twist. And please include a few idiosyncratic touches that have never before been a part of any organized faith, like a holy day commemorating your first sexual experience or a sacred object obtained from a toy store or pawnshop or a rousing hymn adopted from an old Nirvana song.
VIRGO(Aug. 23Sept. 22): The ancient Greeks had words for love that transcend our usual notions, writes Lindsay Swope in her review of Richard Idemon's book Through the Looking Glass. Epithemia is the basic need to touch and be touched. Our closest approximation is "horniness," though epithemia is not so much a sexual feeling as a sensual one. Philia is friendship. It includes the need to admire and respect your friends as a reflection of yourselflike in high school, when you wanted to hang out with the cool kids because that meant you were cool too. Eros isn't sexual in the way we usually think, but is more about the emotional gratification that comes from merging souls. Agape is a mature, utterly free expression of love that has no possessiveness. It means wanting the best for another person even if it doesn't advance one's self-interest. The phase you're currently in, Virgo, is providing you with opportunities to explore the frontiers of at least three of these kinds of love.
LIBRA(Sept. 23Oct. 22): America's finest news source, the newspaper and website known as The Onion(theonion.com), reported recently that President George W. Bush has hidden the nation's report card in his sock drawer. Having received a D in international relations, a D in economics, and an F in military history, the commander in chief was too embarrassed to share the evaluation with anyone. I implore you to notbe like him in the coming week, Libra. It may be hard to imagine, but you will generate good luck and healthy relationships if you freely admit your mistakes and shortcomings. This is one time when power can come from revealing your vulnerabilities.
SCORPIO(Oct. 23Nov. 21): At its best, a study of astrology illuminates your choices and leaves the choosing up to you. It helps you understand that your fate is never set in stone but is always susceptible to the command of your free will. In that spirit, I've got a quiz for you to take. Here are four pairs of equally possible outcomes. Meditate on each pair, and decide which you'd prefer to induce in the coming week: (1) simmering happiness versus crazed longing; (2) love packed with chewy riddles versus infatuation that only temporarily frees you; (3) practical enthusiasm versus dizzying highs; (4) slow, epic bursts of subtle progress versus out-of-this-world fantasies.