NY Mirror

And so the straights-love-gays year at the movies ends with a condomless fuck and a stinging slap on the rear. Oscar, I wish I knew how to quit you. By the way, when ROCCO DISPIRITO asked me on his pre-Oscars radio broadcast on CBS, "How do these actors research these roles?" you might have heard a loud bleep, but what I actually said was "They take it up the ass."

Same crime next year

Next year's winner? Probably Dreamgirls, which is the kind of gay movie everyone can enjoy. They seem to be doing everything right with that thing, especially the hair and the shoes. But that other kitschy ozone-destroyer, Hairspray, has weirdly cast John Travolta, who—after a lifetime of dodging rumors and pushing the wife in front of cameras—now finds he has to don heels and a bra to make a living. It's poetic, I tell you.

More true to form, in the imminent Thank You for Smoking—spoiler alert—KATIE HOLMES plays a sleazebag who gets sexually aroused when the guy she's with pops up on television. I.e., she's a starfucker. Give her a Razzie.

And in the real gay Olympics—namely the theater awards—the biggest prize is clearly going to be a toss-up between the exposed chests of HARRY CONNICK JR. and CHRIS CARMACK. Could you just die, girls?

Helen, shave her

The gays triumph again with IFC's Fabulous! The Story of Queer Cinema—my two sound bites are amazing—which is a sort of Celluloid Closet for the age when there's way more text than subtext. And they even have actual gay people on-screen. Watching the film at the premiere, I was thrilled to see that JANE LYNCH—who's stolen everything from Best in Show to that Virgin thing—is not only an out lesbian, but she admits to having spent the '80s in a Chicago bar called the Closet, watching the love scene from Desert Hearts on constant video rotation!

Another humorous person, RICKY GERVAIS, was rooting for Crash and PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN to win, as he told me at an intimate Oxonian Society reception in his honor at the Princeton Club last week. Recently, British GQ named the comic—best known for The Office—a more powerful figure than JUDE LAW and MICK JAGGER, if not as much so as TONY BLAIR. "Take it with a grain of salt," advised Gervais, laughing. Yeah, he's probably more powerful than Tony Blair.

After a very quick gossip break—DEBORAH GIBSON is in talks with VH1—let's pull ourselves out of all this fake gay pride and revel in one dark faygeleh reality. As I recently hinted, Q television network just went toilet-wise, thereby screwing more people than a prostie without an agent. The channel canceled most of its programming and gave pink slips to about 100 lavender lights, owing them so much back pay it could finance West Hollywood's secession from the union. I know the feeling. I'd been hired by Q (a "premium channel") to do weekly gossip reports and was told they adored me and that this might even lead to bigger things. Yeah, like them lying about the check being in the mail and quickly becoming unreachable, all while the axed throngs file complaints with L.A.'s labor commission! Q clearly stands for quisling (Webster's: a traitor, especially one who agrees to govern on behalf of the conquering nation). It's such an unhappy-ending situation ANG LEE will probably do the movie version.

musto@villagevoice.com