By Aaron Hillis
By Casey Burchby
By Stephanie Zacharek
By Calum Marsh
By Kera Bolonik
By Stephanie Zacharek
By Ernest Hardy
By Eric Hynes
Anyone who remembers the original Wes Craven film The Hills Have Eyes (1977), which was and remains a piece of Milwaukee beer shit, remembers it because (a) they had a memorable fuck-or-puke night at the aging neighborhood drive-in; (b) Michael Berryman's uniquely hairless mug, which glared from video store horror sections for decades, sucked them into a rental, and still represents a moldy teenage sense memory; or (c) critic Robin Wood made the crude quickie seem like essential pop-cult alt-ness. In his infinitely reprintable 1979 essay "An Introduction to the American Horror Film," Wood included Craven's cannibal-redneck-mutant-family bloodbath in his Freudian exaltation of "the return of the repressed," asserting that Hills's urge-versus-guilt "reflection pattern" is seen in the "stranded 'normal' family besieged by its dark mirror-image, the terrible shadow-family from the hills, who want to kill the men, rape the women and eat the baby."
It's a sweet sell, and accurate enough, although reading Wood is typically more thrilling than watching most of the movies he analyzes. The new, big-budget remake of Craven's film follows the flowchart, and because it can afford to show us things in mucky detail that the original couldn't, ramps up the savagery several notches. French phlebotomist Alexandre Ajawho earned his power-tool pay grade with Haute Tensionsets up the bickering vacationing clan (ex-cop dad Ted Levine, starchy mom Kathleen Quinlan, an array of baby-faced teens and post-teens) with no particular skill, although in Wood's universe the gun-toting, neocon flavor of the grown-ups would suggest a puzzling sensibility for their opposite numbers. Bloodthirsty, torture-happy, predator Democrats?
Actually, no: The repressed have returned anew, and the evil desert-dwellers are remaindered out of the atomic dustbin of New Mexico bomb testing, complete with still-standing faux villages peopled by fire-scarred mannequins. (The only thing creepier than the tomandandy score is the credits' glimpse of actual fallout mutations.) In the '70s, Craven had no money for elaborate makeup, and Berryman needed none; today, the laughing, growling Pluto-Jupiter family has distended craniums, orc teeth, and misaligned eye sockets. (It remains, however, that to get cast as a drooling, disfigured monster in a movie like this must be, for an actor, the most humiliating of insults. And where is Berryman's obligatory remake cameo?) The innocent are tortured and fondled and killed, the limbs and blood fly in ecstatic torrents, but no amount of sharp ax polls slammed into skulls can surmount the grueling abuse of aimless overacting, whether by Robert Joy's skinny dental-crisis maniac (aren't we past the brainless notion that radiation poisoning imbues one with superhuman strength?) or by "normal" teen Emilie de Ravin, whose reaction to having most of her family butchered like farm hens is to whine and stamp her feet.
The net effect would be doze-inducing if in fact the Dolby didn't attempt to wake the dead. Still, why, one wonders, does Craven's quite craven original filmmade for nothing, tasteless as hell, and out for a few bucksget to be read as a Zeitgeisty signification of subconscious cultural stress, while its go-for-broke remake, even more dedicated to its own mercenary greed and ardor for suffering, does not? Or will a next-generation theorist find signification in Aja's mess, perhaps even a Gallic assault on American conservatism and hubris? Hope not; from here, it's simply intended as a gross-out ordeal for teenagers, and as such it's not worth a fart in the wind.
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