By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
I aimed my own utensil at the LGBT Center premiere party for The Lady in Question Is Charles Busch, the documentary with the good sense to feature me not only in the film but in the V.I.P. room. "I wish it was 1932 and I could make six movies a year!" drag theater icon Busch told me before greeting his public. "I'm only alive when I'm on a soundstage!" While shining a lit match at him as if it were a klieg light, I asked the urgent question, "Who would you rather be, Joan Crawford or Norma Shearer?" "Well, Norma found personal happiness as well as a career," said Busch, "and she had the support of a loyal husband, but poor Joan had to pursue everything by herself. That's why I love her so much. She was totally on her own." I got the weird feeling he had thought about this a little.
The Adams family
A solo act, New York Post gossip teller CINDY ADAMS has served me huge helpings of chicken and personal advice when neededthe woman can host, dish, and analyze all at onceand now the whole world gets a piece of her humanity with Living a Dog's Life, her tasty Yorkshire pudding of a book about her quality quadrupeds, Yorkies JUICY and JAZZY JR.
"But what's with the dog fixation?" I had to ask her on the phone last week. "Don't you know actual humans?" Cindy explained that within a three-month period six years ago, she lost her husband (funnyman Joey) and her mother and was beyond devastated. So she got a dog (Jazzy Sr.) for comfort, and all was cozy enough. "Then when the dog died, it nearly killed me," Cindy told me. "Even if you write a gossip column, you have a heart. Even people like you," she added, laughing.
Fortunately, the new pooches are all shiny, fluffy, and exciting. When she gets really lonely, does she ever look at them and think, "Hmm"? "Let's not get sick," she admonished. "But they do sleep with me and cuddle with me." Do they bathe with her too? "No, but only because they don't like water!"
What they do like is being pampered, stroked, and treated like they're the shit. "They have about four teeth each," Cindy informed me, "but you have to have them done once a year or they get bacteria. The vet gave me a 15 percent discount because of who I am, and the bill was still $900. It cost me more than Joey!" But at least the dogs will never get gingivitis again (unless they stop flossing).
As for a certain dog of a wedding, wasn't Cindy a flower girl at the DAVID and LIZA fiasco that still haunts memories? Did she think that union was doomed? "No, I thought it was the marriage of the century!" she deadpanned. "Everyone around me was 18th Century Fox. MIA FARROW kept asking me how she could get some Vaseline. Her lips were chapped." Probably from screaming objections.
Elsewhere, young thing KATE HUDSON told Cindy she went on a website that tells you what dog you'll come back as after you plotz. Kate found out she'll be a Yorkie, just like Juicy and Jazzy! ( GOLDIE will be so proud.) Cindy? "Probably a pampered poodle." With a little pit bull thrown in? "You can put that. That's so you." Pause. "Anyway, I want a jeweled collar and a pretty bow." So she'll be a Jewish poodle? "A noodle. What's a Jewish noodle? A kugel!"
Last question before we all risked croaking and coming back as borscht: Are Juicy and Jazzy Jr. dating each other? Cindy's answer was as effortless as Busch's about Joan versus Norma: "No, they're not dating. They, like their mother, are fixed." Strap that on, kids!