By Steve Weinstein
By Devon Maloney
By Tessa Stuart
By Alison Flowers
By Albert Samaha
By Jesse Jarnow
By Eric Tsetsi
By Raillan Brooks
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22Dec. 21): "The wisdom of this year is the folly of the next." So said the fortune cookie message I got last night when I was having dinner at a Chinese restaurant with two Sagittarian friends. As I read my oracle aloud, one of my companions said, "Ain't that the truth!" and the other barked, "You got that right!" I take this to mean that it's my duty to share my fortune cookie oracle with you. What wisdom from last year is now being revealed as folly? And what are you going to do about it?
CAPRICORN(Dec. 22Jan. 19): In the Bible's Book of Exodus, 34:14, God says His name is "Jealous." Literally. Why isn't this fact more widely discussed by people who care about religion? In his book 50 Things You're Not Supposed to Know, Russ Kick says it's because America's Pledge of Allegiance would have to be altered to say, "one nation, under Jealous," which would lead to a redesign of U.S. currency, in which the motto "In God We Trust" becomes "In Jealous We Trust." Your assignment, Capricorn, is to withdraw your support for any deity that calls himself or herself Jealouseven as you also renounce any impulse in you that indulges in jealousy. It's time to drive home to yourself how insane it is to compare your life to anyone else's. You're perfect the way you are.
AQUARIUS(Jan. 20Feb. 18): Years ago I had a girlfriend who was a performance artist. At Easter time every year, she did a show in which she walked barefoot on top of a spiral of 22 colored, uncooked eggs without breaking more than a couple of them. Being 5-3 and 102 pounds helped her accomplish this semi-miraculous feat, but it still required great skill and concentration. I believe you have a comparable task ahead of you, Aquarius. Better start practicing.
PISCES(Feb. 19March 20):Here are your words of power for the coming week, Pisces: finagle, serendipitous , tinker, ad-lib, revise, crafty, balance , rectify. I urge you to carry out actions that embody the spirit of all those terms. Once you do, I believe you'll be in perfect alignment with the cosmic forces coming to bear on you, and will therefore have prevailed upon those cosmic forces to provide you with the metaphorical equivalent of a skeleton key, universal password, or Swiss army knife.