NY Mirror

The gays might stay awake over at Tarzan, considering that a reader tells me the title character does somersaults in a loincloth, the monkeys are played by young guys with fur pants and sleeves but no shirts, and the alpha gorilla is more of a bear, with a hairy chest and deep voice. ("Stick a beer in his hand and it's like Friday night at the Dugout," says the source.) Gayest of all is Jane's father's exclamation: "A loincloth-clad Homo erectus could raise my temperature a degree or two!"


NEVER KID A KIDDER
Jane, shmane. Movieland's original Lois Lane, MARGOT KIDDER, was the big draw at the Big Apple Comic Book, Toy & Art Show at Penn Plaza Pavilion, and this homo was there and erectus. The show brought together fame-challenged stars and their diehard fans for some mutual lovin' and cashin' in. As Kidder explained to me, "You sell your autographed pictures and you take the money. If I was working more as an actress, I wouldn't be doing this, but it's fun to meet the fans!"

Margot—still raspy-voiced and sophisticated—was dressed in a pink tie, pin-striped pants, and what looked like a man's jacket. Has she gone lesbo? "No," she told me, plainly. "It would have made my life easier, but that never happened. And now the hormones are going away, which is good. I don't like falling in love every five seconds." Freed of those awful boyfriends and husbands, she lives with her "snuggly and loving" dogs in small-town Montana, which she says is way more enlightened than everyone thinks. ("People have this image of us as right-wing rednecks. No, that's Wyoming.")

Any snuggly, loving thoughts about her career? "I was OK," she lamented, "but I wish I had more training. I didn't have the chops to get to that next level, like a GENA ROWLANDS or MERYL STREEP. That would have been great." Before I could cry actual tears, Margot reminded me that she's successfully battled manic depression and has gone 10 years without an episode. Was she gonna have one today? "If I do," she said, grinning, "I'll let you know in advance!"

CHARLENE TILTON almost had one when she heard Jessica Simpson might play her old Dallas role, Lucy Ewing, in the movie version. Simpson's too old! But now it may be SCARLETT JOHANSSON in the part, and—as I learned at the same wacky convention—Tilton's tiltin' toward approval. "The key quality to Lucy," she told me, "is vulnerability, even though she was doing all that bedhopping." Was Charlene herself vulnerable at the time? "Yes!" she shrieked. "I was 17 and didn't know anything!" But she eventually learned so much that she landed a gossip column in the Globetabloid a few years ago, horning into my line of work, albeit with kid gloves. "I was trying to be a light in a dark place," she explained, though one of her items still has a certain celebrity incensed, despite the fact that Tilton ended the personal revelation with "Our thoughts and prayers are with them." Well, our prayers are with Charlene as she produces and stars in The Tammy Faye Bakker Story. Let's hope there's enough eye makeup (and lower-region lipstick) in the world to do it right.


WEB EXTRA
Before she went for those latest injections, Amanda Lepore may have gotten some needling of a different sort. An insider source says that when DAVID LACHAPELLE couldn't make it to the GLAAD awards to pick up a special honor, his first request was to have his muse Lepore accept on his behalf. His people were supposedly told by GLAAD that Logo (or it's parent company, VH1), which was filming the ceremony, didn't want her. When Heatherette's RICHIE RICH and TRAVER RAINS became the acceptors, they—says the source—asked to bring Amanda along onstage and were also told not to!

Transophobia? It would seem weird for the network that's featured Lepore in a news report and aired the series Transgeneration (plus CANDIS CAYNE was the award show's trophy girl.) I asked a GLAAD rep about all this, and he responded that after LaChapelle had to cancel, "we were told that PETRA NEMCOVA would be introducing the award and that Richie and Traver were going to accept on his behalf. Amanda walked the red carpet, was seated at the event; and was recognized from the stage as part of the acceptance from David [read by Rich and Rains]." She certainly was. I just hope she—and her vagina—weren't forced into silence mode.

Moving on to dandies, you can't shut me up about JARED PAUL STERN, the Page Six-er accused of extortion, unwittingly giving the rival Daily News their best gossip story in ages. Years ago, Stern did some work for the club kid magazine Project X, not the best place to learn ethics. (I did some freelance there too and am still waiting for payment from the drugged-out editorial board). Later into the '90s, Stern wrote a column for Detour magazine and always dropped in sour, disapproving mentions of me. I took the high road for a change and called him, saying "I'll rise about your bad feelings and invite you to my birthday dinner." He came and gave me nice writeups ever since. Seems all he wanted was a little pat on the back, which we all do—though most of us draw the line at $100,000 plus 10 more K's a month!

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