By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
SAGITTARIUS(Nov. 22Dec. 21): In contemplating your astrological omens, I'm reminded of Terence McKenna's comment about a friend who "hurled herself into the abyss and discovered that it was a feather bed." If you can summon the courage to dive into the scary depths, Sagittarius, I do believe you'll be pleasantly surprised at the comfy, luxurious digs that await you at the end of your descent. Now go ahead and yell, "Geronimo!" which the dictionary defines as an exclamation used to express exhilaration when leaping from a great height.
CAPRICORN(Dec. 22Jan. 19): In his book False Alarm: The Truth About the Epidemic of Fear, Dr. Marc K. Siegel argues that our circumstances are far better than we've been conditioned to believe. In fact, only a fraction of our culture's histrionic pessimism is justified. Alas, the collective delusion that life is totally messed up has seeped into your personal life (as it has into mine and everyone's), tainting even your most intimate moments. But in the coming weeks, it's crucial that you fight to undo the brainwashing. Opportunities will be coming your way that will remain inaccessible if you're too busy indulging in knee-jerk cynicism. So please resist the hypnotic temptation to look for the worst in everything. Be a fiercely buoyant nonconformist. Make this Nietzschean principle your watchword: Optimism tends to engender good health, while pessimism leads to morbidity.
AQUARIUS(Jan. 20Feb. 18): Two friends of mine teach elementary school. They agreed to help me conduct a survey to determine how many first-graders eat worms, and what astrological signs the kids are. Among the 68 kids whom my buddies asked, seven boys enthusiastically bragged about their odd culinary habit. One girl also confessed, though with a little embarrassment. Of these eight, five wereyou guessed itAquarians. I wasn't surprised, seeing as how your sign is renowned for being the most eccentric. I was also quite pleased at the results. It made it easier for me to broach the unusual suggestion I have for you, which is that maybe you, too, should eat worms. This is the most direct way I can think of for you to carry out your current cosmic assignment, which is to come way down to earth.
PISCES(Feb. 19March 20): Some people imagine that I'm a bohemian mystic who lives outside the system and disdains conventional wisdom. That's half true. I'm also a disciplined artist with a fondness for analytical thinking and a commitment to self-mastery. In accordance with your current astrological omens, I will emphasize the latter approach in your horoscope this week. No matter how flowing and unbound you love to be, it's high time for you to inject more organization, logic, and self-regulation into your rhythm. Your tarot card is the emperor, "he who sets in order."
You can read a lot of my most recent book for free online at tinyurl.com/lhwx2.