I have a confession to make: I love sucking cock. Maybe that's not such a revelation, considering the other things I've shared in this column, but I'm starting to get the feeling that most women give head just to please their men. Aside from Liz Phair, where have all the blowjob queens gone? I recently spent a lazy Sunday morning going down on a new lover for over an hour. He enjoyed every minute, but couldn't come because of some medications he's taking. I was content to maximize my time figuring out what he liked, getting used to his unique shape and smell and taste. Even my sore jaw the next day was a mark of a job well done. My eagerness surprised him. "I've never been with anyone so enthusiastic," he told me. I wasn't sure how to take that, but I think it was a compliment.
photo: Brandy Barber
Straw me: A proud blowjob queen
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Figuring I can't be the only one, I sought out my cocksucking comrades at gay bar Metropolitan to ask some fags how they feel about fellatio. P. was eager to dispel the myth that gay guys want head 24-7. "Of course I like it, but it's not the be-all, end-all of sex for me," he said, shrugging. "There are guys I've been with, though, who just want to suck my dick. One came over recently, and when I told him all he'd be allowed to do was blow me but he couldn't touch himself, he went wild." For some people, being "ordered" to swallow a guy's meat is all they need to get turned on.
Next year, you can celebrate your hummer lust: Massachusetts DJ Tom Birdsey has created his own holiday, Steak and Blowjob Day (steakandbjday.com), to counteract what he calls the "girl holiday" of Valentine's Day. Held on March 14, it's about giving guys what they love best, but also lets women show their cock love. "Some girls have a secret dirty side, and this allows them to be a little frisky," the married father of two explains. This year, Birdsey hosted a blowjob challenge, where a blindfolded guy had a man and a woman go down and he had to guess which mouth was on him (he was stumped). "A guy can totally tell if a girl's loving it or if her heart's not in it. Some girls try to hurry up—they do the bare minimum for 30 seconds and then ask, 'Can we have sex now?' " Birdsey says. "If she's confident and tries to take the whole dick in her mouth, you're in heaven. A girl owns a guy when she does that," he concludes. He's not arguing for all blowjobs, all the time—just some give and take when it comes to oral favors.
The idea that a blowjob is a dirty, unsavory chore persists. For some women, they're used as an out when she doesn't want to have sex (or as household quid pro quo: "If you take out the garbage, I'll give you a bj"). In a rambling essay in The Atlantic meant to review Paul Ruditis's Rainbow Party, Caitlin Flanagan lamented living in "Blowjob Nation" as she presented her liplocked biases. "[W]hy would girls voluntarily turn to giving blowjobs? Whatever happened to the hand job? Whither the dry hump? Why do girls prefer the far more debasing, uncomfortable, and messy blowjob?" she wrote. While her words were meant to address teen girls, her very adult aversion to the true nature of oral sex (yes, sometimes it's sloppy and messy) shines through.
Birdsey is baffled by attitudes like Flanagan's (as am I). "I don't know why they'd say [it's degrading] because the girl has so much control. The guy's eyes roll back in his head, his toes twitch, his back arches," he enthuses. "When you get a mind-blowing blowjob, you're numb—there's nothing better than that."
If I'm with a guy who really turns me on, the very thought of sucking his dick makes me wet. Doing it practically sends me into a tailspin, and I often touch myself while I'm going down. To me, there's something even more sensual and connected about swallowing someone's hard cock than fucking. That's ironic because I'm the farthest thing from a cunnilingus bottom as you can get. I prefer hands or dicks or toys—anything hard and firm—used on me over a hot, wet tongue. I can't multitask, either—attempting 69 usually results in me either lying there panting or squirming away to focus on the task at mouth, as it were.
Trannyfag Kris McLowery also enjoys a full mouth. "When a lover asks, 'Wanna suck my cock?' I'm on my knees and touching myself," says thegenderqueer blogger, who's not submissive. "I love the control; I can make a lover plead, sing, giggle and twitch."
Blowjobs can be explosive quickies, engaging foreplay, or elaborate, drawn-out procedures. You can fondle his balls, finger his asshole, or pump his cock with your hand. You can take your time, savoring the taste and smell. I should also advise you to practice safe sex (even though I don't always follow my own advice): Use a condom if you're not sure of his STD status. Meeting a lover's gaze while his cock's in my mouth makes me tremble. I get off on a guy stroking my cheek or, if I'm leaning across his body, kneading my back, but probably the worst thing a guy can do is push the giver's head down, trying to shove his cock into his lover's mouth. Deep-throating takes patience, and if you rush someone, they'll resent you and want to stop. Let them figure it out as they go and you'll increase the chances of a sword-swallowing repeat.
