By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
More cinema du couture comes with Waist Deep, which features KIMORA LEE SIMMONSas "Fencing House Lady (as Kimora Lee Simmons)." Kimora's not exactly stretching; she plays a smartass who runs a designer-fashion resale shop, hawking used Versaces and shit. As Kimora Lee Simmons.
The ultimate symbol of the impact of fashion, Superman has always been a nervous Nellie emerging out of his closet, I mean phone booth, with a fabulous cape and kicking lots of ass. A gay metaphor? Yeah, why not, but as hungry media outlets look for subtexts in Superman Returns, the public has pretended to react with horror and the terrified gay director has responded by assuring them that the Man of Steel couldn't possibly be an inspector of manholes. I know how the rumors probably started; TERI HATCHERwho'll always be Lois Lane to mewas seen kissing RYAN SEACREST. Case closed. (Sidebar: Maybe to further ward off gay-male attention, I hear the company that digitally youthened some of X-Men 3's characters for the opening sequence was also assigned to de-bulge BRANDON ROUTH because his crotch was so distracting, it looked able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Sort of like when King Kong's snaggletooth took attention away from NAOMI WATTS and JACK BLACK.) Anyway, I saw the movie and Superman might not be gay, but he's definitely Jesus. Discuss.
As for the queen of soul, ARETHA FRANKLIN played the Apollo last week and according to a source, she ended with "The Greatest Love of All" and repeatedly urged the audience to "pray for WHITNEY." Yes, let's give her a sense of pride to make it easier.
Pray for ANGELINA too. She was wild and fun and reckless, then she became immensely well-meaning and boring, and then she got interesting again when she stole BRAD PITT away from whatshername. But now she's simply made him boring too. She needs to loosen up and fuck her brother again or something.
BUBBLE BUBBLE, BOIL AND TROUBLE
But gird your loins, world; Hedda Lettuce and Michael Lucas recently made even more gay waves. Drag favorite SWEETIE went to the aforementioned rally and didn't like the sight of those two dolled up and hogging much of the attention. "Hedda is a boil on the ass of the gay community," wrote Sweetie on motherboardsnyc.com. "What a shameless, tactless, tacky, publicity-hungry asshole. Today should have been a day where we leave work at the 'office' and come together as a community." As for Lucas, "He looks like he is a cosmetically altered Down's syndrome person." Ouch, eeek, wow, ooh, slobber, hotcha. Hedda's reply on her own site? "I am a proud drag queen who does not want to hide in the shadows. . . . You come across as bitter and misguided. Look in the mirror and see who the boil is." And Lucas's response was to forward the venomous postings to everyone on his list, absolutely adoring the mentions!
If I can 'ho myself into this mess, let me reveal that I still have stiletto marks from Hedda running me over to get to an ET camera crew and scratches from Lucas pushing me away to pounce on a daily columnistat my own tribute. But while these people are so whorish it's a wonder CHARLIE SHEEN hasn't romanced themand so are some of Aviance's friends who angled to get quoted while the singer was still wiredI like 'em, and I guess it's helpful, big-picture-wise, to be able to channel their boundless energy for good causes. At least they'll never be boring like Angelina. (Update on the update: Sweetie sweetly apologized and Hedda accepted. Aww. No more throw-up feeling.)