NY Mirror

What female designer has long been dating an ex– Gaiety dancer? What hey- world-I'm-straight business titan supposedly beats up partners during gay s&m sexploits, then pays them off to shut the fuck up about it? (And I guess it works; I sure can't hear them.) What fabulous downtown drag queen dates a supporting male player on Desperate Housewives? Who was recently married, but went through a lengthy "phase" as a lesbian, hitting on New York waitresses with typical aggression?

What acclaimed theater-and-movie actor has a decent-sized schlong, but it never gets that hard and it tends to drip with string cheese? Do I maybe know too much about some of these people? What British movie star, say the rumors, had to pay a guy $100,000 to go ta-ta when the gent produced photos of the Brit getting intimate with another male in a dog park? (No wonder Brits have bad teeth.) What streety actor goes clubbing a lot but doesn't want it known because when the mother of his baby reads about his cavortings thousands of miles away, she blows like a geyser?

What star who put out with his director to get that coveted role wouldn't do so any more once it was in the can, as it were? (I guess he won't get the sequel.) What director's ex-lady perennially tortured him to give her bigger roles (he didn't) and wasn't terribly supportive of his own achievements? Why do I suddenly feel less sympathy for the bitch? What stomach-stapled mess dropped her napkin at a restaurant, and when the waiter was about to get her a new one, she said, "No. I want this one," so—stay with me—he had to try to pick it up as her foot stubbornly stayed on top of it? (PS: She didn't tip, so the actress she was dining with nicely came back the next day with flowers and some money.)

Are even sitcom reruns being censored now because of pressure from the religious right? (Free answer: Yep. On the Golden Girls episode in which Blanche exclaims "Oh, Jesus!" she now just says "Oh, Jeez!" Oh, Jesus.) What's one of Michael Pitt's more elegant utterances in the upcoming Jailbait? (Another freebie: "I love your cock throbbing inside me." Me too, Mikey.) What brilliantly sick duo is doing a month on Broadway starting in August? (Kiki & Herb!) Which gossip queen is doing a reality show with World of Wonder? (No, not me—though I'm beyond certain I'll be the most frequent guest star. It's Perez Hilton.) What was the most resistible PR pitch of the week? (It was the e-mail headed, "Interview Opportunity: Tony winner John Lloyd Youngdiscusses performing with allergies." No, thanks—though that would have given me the chance to make wildly funny puns like "Ragweed Doll.")

What funny lady has been making the gay rounds lately, from Cherry Grove to Beige? ( Wanda Sykes.) What's the most intriguing thing about the naked Britney Spears cover of Harper's Bazaar? (It's the coverline, "487 Best New Ideas Inside," which is placed smack between her legs. I knew that was a fertile region, but I had no idea there were that many exciting ideas up there!) Who would have gagged at the casting of light-skinned Beyoncéin Dreamgirls? (The property's dead co-creator Tom Eyen, according to Sheryl Lee Ralph, who played that very role in the original Broadway version. Ralph tells rockacandy that Eyen felt the Dreamgirls had to be "obviously black" because when an "obviously black girl" makes it, she truly deserves it, since no one was pushing her there. I bet Ralph would like to push Beyoncé—off a cliff.) But who supposedly have the supporting Oscars already all sewn up tighter than a female-to-male's vagina? (Final freebie: That same movie's obviously black Jennifer Hudson and Eddie Murphy. You heard it here first—unless it's wrong. I don't know shit about anything.)


musto@villagevoice.com

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